My Dead Body Friends

2011 is pretty much the best year ever. I’ve reconnected with a lot of my very good friends and seen a lot of my local friends. I dub thee the Year of Friends, 2011. It’s a good thing, too, because when you’re down a spouse you really need your friends.

Recently my BFF Niya and my BFBM (best friend before marriage) Brett came to town. I don’t like the phrase Best Friend so I make sure to use it a lot to vex and annoy, but also to indicate the importance of these people in my life. It sounds exclusionary and I am all about inclusion. I have a lot of BFF’s who cycle through my life in varying degrees of talk-to-every-day and talk-to-every-year. You are probably my BFF.

Brett and Niya are my dead body friends. The saying goes, “An old friend helps you move, a good friend will help you move a dead body.” My heart kinda broke last year, these are some of the people who are putting it back together.

I’ve mentioned Niya a lot. She’s an artist and occasionally poses for people who are selling things ;) Here’s some of her art:

Talented, no? If you’re in LA her show is still up at SubUrban and you should swing by and buy some. Or check out her website.

Any who, Niya and Brett were here.

Wait, Brett is supa cool too. He’s a real bonafide filmmaker who makes a living doing only filmmaking and does not sleep on his mother’s couch. No, he and Niya are not an item. He’s dating this girl.

Here’s his production company and a flier for one of his movies that is on TV sometimes.

Whatever, enough with the resumes.

Brett and Niya were in town and we went fun places and did fun things. And Brett fell down a lot.

And my chest still hurts from all the laughing. Seriously funniest people ever.

Tilden Park Trains, beautiful day.

Please kids, look at the camera. I beg you. View from Berkeley hills of SF Bay.

At the Lawrence Hall of Science.

Ethiopian Food in Berkeley (thanks Some Guy for the recommendation! Love that place!)

Also, my own piece of Niya Art. I got a tattoo on my back when I was 18 and didn’t know what a tramp stamp was. I like what it is, just not the location or the fact that it’s there at all (Tattoo regret?! who knew there was such a thing?) I tried to get it lasered off once but have not had the courage to go back because I don’t enjoy being electrocuted. Worst pain of my life, ever. So I’ve been thinking of changing the tattoo to something I like a bit more since it’s not going anywhere. There’s your warning, mom.

Two artistic types couldn’t take ONE good picture of me with the minions? How am I supposed to recruit a new man when it’s clear my kids are fully a swarm? Can we just pretend the last two are one person? Does Mimi’s free spirit count for two? How am I going to sell us??

Also, it was Brett’s 74th birthday and we happened to be at Pam’s. One mention of his birthday (I hadn’t told them in advance) erupted into a full on GreenBomb party, complete with clown and face paint and singing. Brett was game and I think learned a bit about why I am the way I am. I was totally born this way. And so were my kids!

Art in Motion at the Lawrence Hall of Science.

Thirtieth Birthday Personal Assessment

Had Mimi + 10
Failed at marriage - 50
Had Jude + 15
Had Silas + 20

Taught College English to Freshmen and Sophomores + 5
Wrote a book + 2
Failed to market that book - 5
MA in Shakespeare + 3
Have excellent friends in LA + 5
Have excellent friends in Dville + 5
Have some very close girl friends +10
Get along with sisters +5
Sometimes get in fights with sisters -3
Sometimes get in fights with Alex - 3
Sometimes get in fights with totally random full-of-themselves filmmakers + 2
Get along with parents + 4
Wrote a screenplay + 2
Pretty good at keeping my kids happy and well fed + 10
Not that great at my church callings -2
The workers at McDonalds know me -1
I fit in my pre-marriage jeans + 5
I can eat anything I want + 3
Watch Gossip Girl religiously -3
A bit gossipy myself -3
Also watch Jersey Shore -5
Don't know much about Modern Art - 5
Have a temp rec +25
Held three jobs while pregnant + 5
Too wimpy to make phone calls - 1
Can't keep from zinging people who deserve it -3
Use swear words -1
Ok at teaching choreography for musical theater +2
Can change a tire and fix house things +2
Regular church attendance +3
Most time at church spent mad at my kids -4
Loves shopping at Betsey Johnson -1
Bargain hunts +2
Only spent about two nights away from my kids in the last 6+ months + 10
Not great at making plans with friends -1
Good party planner +2
Been to 15-20 countries + 5
Impulse traveler -1
Great reviews of teaching on reviewum.com + 3
Sorted a stack of laundry as tall as I am tonight +1
Cannot live without my cleaning lady every two weeks -2
Not that good at styling my hair - 2
Pretty good at dying hair pink +3
Good at selling cars + 2
Have fairly cute kids + 5
Relatively funny + 3
Impatient -3
Could be more service oriented instead of needy -5
Bad at writing thank you notes -2

Fastest diaper changer in the world +1
Am able to travel with kids +5
Kind of awesome at Just Dance +1

Thus, my life score today is: 80. That's like a low B. Next decade I'm going to get an A.

Me versus The Minions

A few of my close friends are just now having their second children and they’ve been sharing with me their multiple kid hardness worries.  In my opinion, the mother becomes a parent with the first kid and the father becomes a parent with the second (or not at all).  The mother then becomes a machine when the third comes along. 

 

Silas, about 6 weeks old.  Me, 6 weeks unrested.

As you know, I’ve been doing my kids without a present spouse for much of their lives.  It’s very rewarding and very demanding, but also extremely fulfilling and pretty much really fun.  I like having kids close in age and have posted a lot about the benefits, but would not advocate it for the faint of heart.  It’s hardcore assembly line parenting a lot of the time.  Most of what I know about parenting I’ve learned from my sisters or out of desperation and highly concentrated experience.  And now I impart my trial by fire “wisdom” to my dearest friends.

How I Manage Raising These Sweet and Somewhat Naughty Little Kids

1)  Rely on the Lord. I’m not really doing it alone.  Though I feel somewhat guilty for gyping them out of a long period of individual attention afforded to many spread out children, I know my kids were sent to me at the perfect times.  Nonetheless, it is difficult to give them each adequate attention when all three are clambering and needy.  And yet I have confidence the Lord will help them toward what they need if I’m doing the best that I can.  He makes up the difference where I fall short.  My day requires a lot of prayers.

All three on my legs.  People sometimes ask me why I have so many bruises.

2)  Accept offers of help.  People ask me what they can do to help me all the time.  I tell them.  A village is raising these kids and I appreciate each and every helper along the way.  My kids benefit from the diverse relationships they form with my babysitters, family, friends, and the strangers sitting behind me in church who offer to hold Silas. 

3)  Get over yourself.  You’re not going to be your prettiest when one kid is barfing on you and the other two are beating each other up and you’re just trying to look presentable before you leave the house.  Most days I get to chose:  shower or do my hair?  Makeup or spend time picking out something cute to wear?  This Sunday I got the kids and myself up, bathed, dressed, hair done, fed and out the door to Stake Conference in 55 minutes.  I left with wet hair, but we made it on time.  Yay!

Was it an outfit day or a hair/makeup day today?

4)  Celebrate small accomplishments.  The other day I rocked two carts all the way through Target with nobody crying and got all the kids buckled and the groceries in the car.  And then I shut the doors and did a Mary Catherine Gallagher “Tada!” Big finish. 

5) Separate the day into manageable portions.  If you wake up in the morning and think 11 hours until bedtime, you’re not going to have a good day.  We do three or four sections in our days.  Morning, noon naps, afternoon until 6, 6 to bedtime.  That way I don’t get worn out by afternoon and start checking the clock.  Assess yourself according to the smaller sections rather than the whole day, that way when some disaster happens it’s limited to that part of the day.  Morning good, naps bad, afternoon great, bedtime fair.

I love the gym.  2 hours of babysitting.

6)  Sequester yourself when frustrated.  Sometimes you need a Mama time out.  I take them with my iphone, headphones or hiding in the laundry room.  Whatever it takes to avoid knocking heads together.

Attempted Christmas card photo session yesterday.  Fail.

7)  Cave.  Sometimes your peace of mind is more important than good parenting.  Do whatever it takes to keep them happy in situations that have the potential to become nightmarish.  Fighting against the messy candy?  Eh, give up.  Sure it teaches them to argue and cajole, but it gets me out of the checkout line with less problems. 

 

8)  Know your kid’s limits.  Plan days around what they can do reasonably without having complete meltdowns.  Don’t overdo it.  Say we go to the Oakland zoo and the kids spot the rides.  Just do the top half of the zoo and the rides. 

 

9)  Make your kids your allies.  Nobody likes fussy kids, even other kids.  When one is crying the others know that they have to take turns crying.  If Jude is crying, Mimi will try to help solve his problem.  If Si is crying Jude and Mimi both are concerned and try to help.  Thankfully my babies aren’t horribly fussy so the other kids know that when someone is crying there’s really a problem to be solved.

Spot the three kids.  Want to sit by me in church? 

10) Have a daily sleep/eat schedule, even on the weekends.  it’s fine if you have to deviate but it’ll help you know why your kid is acting nasty when you’re off your regular schedule.  Kids like routines.

Rainy day cuddle fest.

11)  There is nothing better than the promise of a babysitter.  Life is better when you know next time you’re leaving, it doesn’t seem like you’ll be with the kids every minute of every day for the rest of their lives.  You will be nicer to your kids if you know that at 6 pm you’re off duty.  Kinda like how it feels to know that class is out at a certain time.  It only takes me about an hour to start to miss them and wonder about their well being.  So I try to stay out a LOT of hours.

12)  Score meals outside the house.  Three meals at home every day is too hard and too messy.  Hit your family up for food or eat out somewhere where the kids can be messy.  I also take them to nice restaurants if they have fast service.

13)  When it get's too hard, become highly amused not angry.  Sometimes I overstay our time at grocery stores or activities and everybody is starting to freak out.  I refuse to let my kids embarrass me so I turn it into a funny scream session with “Everybody Scream” or start dancing to the noise so I can address the problem and also make it more of an amusing spectacle than an annoyance.  Being a mother of three tiny kids (obviously completely my responsibility) is like belonging to a circus.  Make it a funny one.

Love these babies, My Echo, My Shadow and Mimi.

And my MOST USEFUL tip that I use nearly every single day:

14) Life could be MUCH HARDER or Paige Can Do This, So Can I. None of my kids are currently sick or have any special needs.  I like to think of somebody who has a harder life than mine and remind myself that if they can do it, so can I.  Mine’s usually Paige.  Or Jen G.  Or Marie Mad.  Or Mardee.  These women all have kids close in age and a few of them have multiples or kids with hard issues (serious allergies and whatnot).   They are doing a bang up job and if they can do it, dammit so can I.  I’d be flattered if you used me: “Nor has three tiny kids AND had an awesome awesome marriage and she seems to manage well enough.  Kind of.  When I see her, anyway.”

Three Babies

Can you name them?

They look completely unique to me.

29 and All Is Well

Once upon a time I was awesome.
Halloween 2004: dressed as the golden bond girl from 'Goldfinger'

This is my last year of my twenties. It's been a good decade. Tomorrow is my 29th Birthday (my last birthday ever!)

Decade Reflection:

2001: 20 years old. Living in Los Angeles, going to school at SMC. Dating like a crazy woman. Met my best friend Alex.

2002: 21 yrs. Had great group of LDS friends in LA who threw me a surprise party (despite the fact that I hate surprises). Transferred to UCLA. Dated a guy 10 years older than me. Went to London for Shakespeare study abroad with UCLA. Met celebrities on a weekly basis, just hanging out in Hollywood. Went to clubs and lived it up. Glory days.

2003: 22 yrs. Had bad reputation in LA 1st ward. Graduated from UCLA, got job teaching right away at Audubon Middle School in South Central LA. Started dating non-member guy who almost converted. Got my own apartment in West Hollywood.

2004: 23 yrs. Met Dx at LA 1st in June, after my first year of teaching and his last year of law school. Had the summer of love where we went out all night and met for breakfast every day at noon. Greatest summer of my life. Engaged in October, married on New Year's. Still teaching. Moved to Hollywood.

2005: 24 yrs. Applied and then went to grad school in London at King's College, University of London to study Shakespeare. Quit job teaching. Spent summer in Dville, liquidated everything we had and then moved. Dx landed a job at a prestigious law firm. Dx and I hit 14 countries or so that year. Christmas in Rome. We were in a play together at King's.

2006: 25 yrs. Got really really baby hungry. And sad. Missed my family, it was really cold in London. We traveled all over Europe. I wrote my master's thesis and a self-help book called Good Girl's Guide to Life After High School. In May we found out we were expecting and moved back to Dville. Dx got a good job, we moved to WC.

2007: 26 yrs. Had Mimi. Life changed forever. Could not believe I had accomplished childbirth, and not only that but I was good at it! Greatest baby in the whole wide world. Got job as a professor in PH. Pregnant with baby 2 in November. Dx started his own law practice.

2008: 27 yrs. Moved to house in Dville. Had baby Jude in August. Taught choreography and English writing. Raised 2 babies.

2009: 28 yrs. Taught, raised 2 babies. Dx travelled a lot. Had live-in nanny and housekeeper! Went to Tokyo in May. Found out about baby #3 in June. Phil got married. Moved in with parents in September, had baby Silas after Christmas. Three babies in less than three years. Woot.

At the beginning of my twenties I evaluated myself by how much of the world I'd seen and what I was able to accomplish. I was really motivated by hard things: getting into UCLA, teaching somewhere really challenging, going to a great grad school, publishing a book, going to exotic lands. The transition into being a stay-at-home mother has been a shock to my psyche. My accomplishments now feel so much more mundane: I got everybody out the door on time, I spent one on one time with Mimi, I understood what Jude was trying to communicate, I helped Silas' diaper rash improve. As busy as I am with three and the challenges they present, I still feel a little less like myself when someone asks me, "What did you do today?" And I reply "Tended my kids." It feels good to slow down, to not worry that I didn't leave the house at all for two days and have nothing to do but swing my arms on Saturdays. I've become a homebody and I like it. Mine is a simple life right now.

Baby Silas

Last Monday we welcomed our third Cr*ven baby into the world. Mom took me to the Doctor at 10am and then we went straight over to the hospital. Once there they quickly (not quickly enough) hooked me up to the IV and dosed me with beloved Stadol. Celia, Paige and Dx showed up bearing food that I was starving for but was not allowed to eat. My favorite: Boudin sandwiches and Jamba Juice. Mom was grateful to be relieved and hurried home to watch my "big" kids. Pam doesn't stay for births because she doesn't like watching her daughters in pain and feeling helpless. I had plenty of doulas though Ellie was missed because she was in Utah visiting her other family.

Yes, I wear makeup while I'm in labor. I'm going to be looking at these pictures for the rest of my life, I better look presentable.

The epidural (and pitocin) came next but only worked on ONE SIDE. It made me so mad. I'd had a bad epidural situation last year with Jude requiring a second one right before delivery. This one numbed me from my armpit to my toes on one side with little pain relief on the other. Once again I had to coax the stinking anesthesiologist to give me more drugs, all the while freaking out because "I can feel this and it hurts!!" I went from a three to a ten in about an hour or less. My sisters and the nurse kept me entertained discussing Elin Woods' predicament. Angie was a great nurse. I know the staff over there by name, they recognize me when I come in.

Paige and Celia: Labor coaches / drug advocates. Also the sisters who chat with the doctor and giggle while I'm pushing out the baby. Hello! Pay attention! I'm giving birth!

Born at 38 weeks, Silas is my smallest baby. 7.12 is little for me!

Finally they rolled me onto my back and viola! The epidural worked! Actually it worked a little too well, I couldn't feel anything at all, not even whether I was pushing or not. I just pretended to push and didn't tell anybody that I had no clue what was going on. I just made a pushing face. Apparently that worked because out came the baby in about 10 minutes. Who are these women who have to push push push for two or three hours? That would be awful. I'm really lucky I'm built like some kind of brood mare.

Video of Celia pushing out my baby. Hilarious. She is available for your next birth if you need help pushing.

Out comes baby and he is covered in vernix. He was the quietest newborn I've ever heard and still is. He was breathing just fine but never bothered to let out a big old wail. He was silent. I'm sure he'll find his voice soon, right now we're just enjoying the little squeaks.

Proud parents with baby Silas

The whole family came pouring in (Phil and Aub bringing a replacement Boudin sandwich). Sadly, no children under 16 were allowed in the hospital because of H1N1 so Mimi and Jude didn't get to meet baby until we came home.

Then began the battle of the names.

Before we went into the hospital Dx and I had determined that we really liked Sky. But my whole entire family didn't like it and they voiced that opinion loud and clear. During the birth Celia read from one of our name lists and mentioned Silas. As soon as she said it I knew that was the kid's name but I also knew that Dx was only so-so on it. I like that Si sounds like Sky and that Silas sounds like Silence, though it means Saver. For those of you who've forgotten, Silas was one of Paul's missionary companions in the NT. I wanted to use Dx as a middle name because we like that name and who knows if we'll ever have another boy.(ps, and in case you didn't know, there is an A between D and X, but I don't write it on my blog because I try to give Dx some internet privacy in case one of his clients google him and find me) Silas Dx sounds euphonious.

Dx came to the hospital the following day and added about ten more new names into the mix, resulting in the strangest list you've ever seen. Everything from Romeo to Isaiah to Cruz to Ulysses was suggested. It was funny to me because I'd already named the baby and had been calling him that from hour 1. I wanted Dx to feel like he'd come to the decision on his own, so when he suggested Dx Silas I jumped at it and quickly signed the papers. Dx tried to call him Dx, but he felt like he was speaking in the third person and switched over to Silas. Name victory!

Silas is an easy newborn thus far. He sleeps, nurses and poops. Sometimes he opens his eyes and looks around. Nursing is hard because I always have trouble getting babies to latch on, but once he's on he's a good eater. He has the cutest little parts, I spend the day eating him up.

My favorite part of this new baby is watching how Mimi and Jude interact with him. They are both in love. Jude was disinterested at first, but now he's very concerned and likes to check on the baby and practice saying his name. Mimi (despite her horrible cold that is giving me panic attacks) loves to cuddle him and watch him nurse.

Jude and Silas. 16 months and three days, respectively.

Mimi (2 years 10 months) and her new baby.

I'm very grateful for everybody who has been helping me with the children. The college kids were in town so they entertained Mimi and Jude and made my life a lot easier. Pam has been giving me plenty of sleeping time and in return I make sure she gets adequate newborn cuddle time. It's a symbiotic relationship. Everybody around here has been taking my kids, bathing them, feeding them, putting them to bed and otherwise being unbelievably helpful. I am eternally grateful.

And, for your entertainment, a video of Mimi meeting her baby for the first time. The unintelligible word near the end is "trampoline."

Tokyo Disney and the Imperial Palace

Ok, LAST Tokyo post. But really, I couldn't leave these things out.

Step Seventeen: Play the weakling.
Only on the last day did I discover that I could actually lift Mimi in the backpack.

Outside the Imperial Palace. If you go there, make sure to check the weird opening times. It was never open for us, but cool on the outside. Royalty really live there and it's in the center of Tokyo.

I still loved this child, even on the last day. Cam said today her personality is like a puppy.

And I love this angel of a child, here, 9 months.

Step Eighteen: Find their Target, or the closest approximation.

Apparently in the center of town this crazy store is their five storey version of Target and sells diapers and kid stuff.

This huge fish was in the entry way of the inexplicably named Don Quixote's.

For sale? Victory: two subway handles. I'm in love with this angel of a child.This is the entrance to their Target-like place. Got merchandising?And for all your face lifting needs, I give you whatever this air cushion on the right.

Step nineteen: Go to Disneyland, but see if you can pick a less crowded day than we did.

Actually, we went to Disney Sea, which is in the same general area as Tokyo Disney. Tokyo Disney is a carbon copy of Disneyland, but Disney Sea is completely unique and variously themed.

The Flounder ride underground in Ariel's kingdom. It was magical down there.There was an entire underground Ariel's Kingdom fully decked out with rides. Ariel is Mimi's favorite and she about died that we got to meet her. Ariel was American, which tempted me to question her resume. Is there some secret black market princess trading going on? How do I get in? Camille, there might be a future for you in this.Cute, but having kind of a hard day.Perhaps having a hard life. Seriously, what's worse than a bimbo? A himbo. What's worse than a himbo? A shimbo.This is another area in Disney Sea. You know, because the Aztecs were totally part mermaid. I don't know how this fits with the Disney Sea theme, but there it was and it was glorious.The Agrabah Marketplace. Very cool with rides and shows and snacks. Note how crowded it is. This is because we went to Disney during Golden Week, when everybody has off work. Duh.How not to lose your toddler. Do you have a better idea? Should I have put on her passport information? No leashes.

And FINALLY
Step Twenty: Buy your child the traditional costume and put it on her right before you get off the plane. Prepare to have strangers ask to take her picture. Allow them. Force her to bow and say "Arigato."

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. It was totally doable and you should do it too. Here are some sites to cheap tickets. I'm telling you, with the economy being what it is, they're practically giving tickets away. Sure it was hard and expensive and sometimes a little tricky, but these memories will last a lifetime and when you're all in, it probably costs about the same as going on a cruise or to Disneyland. I'll love my kid's baby passports forever and hope to add to their little stamps. I hope I've encouraged you to give it a try, and if you need help, I'm happy to assist you in going foreign.

Bon Voyage with your Bebes.

www.kayak.com

www.aerlingus.com

www.easyjet.com

www.travelzoo.com