The No-Stretchmark Pregnancy

I’ve written about this before, about 7 years ago.  Time for a refresher course.

If you’re pregnant it’s likely that you’ve considered or contended with the dreaded stretchmarks.

I am 16 weeks into my fourth pregnancy and I don’t have any glaring stretchmarks.

Life is unfair?  Nope.   I am 100% genetically predisposed to stretchmarks.  I just got this information at the right time and I successfully avoided letting my skin get the best of me. 

Also I had good motivation:  I have thousands of dollars invested in bikinis and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let those go to waste.

Me summer 2013 with the first child that was once housed in that torso, and some chips that I was eating.  Head cut off to reduce vanity implications and because I am the consummate professional who cannot have bikini pics floating around on the internets.  Photo for scientific proof purposes only.

About 10 years ago I made the acquaintance of a female body builder who was the mother of one of my students.  She was a babe.  We were about the same size, but she showed me pictures of her in full body-building form and it was like a completely different person.  She would increase 50 lbs of muscle or more and then shrink right back down to a normal sized body.  She often wore half-shirts and tanktops to pick up her kid and I finally asked her, “How do you go from being gigantic to small and back again without a single stretchmark?  Are you just genetically blessed?”

Not my student’s parent, but looks just like her.  Could actually be her.  I dunno.

“No, I have an anti-stretchmark routine” she said.  Then she taught me and now I’m teaching you.

Here’s How I Reduced and Avoided Stretchmarks:

1.  Buy a vicious shower brush or sponge.  The texture should be firm, and most brushes I’ve found easily were not firm enough.  If the bristles bend easily it’s too soft.  Think a nail brush or the texture of a kitchen sponge with yellow on one side and green on the other.  The natural looking sponges are also effective.  The Body Shop sometimes have sufficiently firm brushes.

2.  When you’re in the shower, scrub your torso in circles as hard as you can stand.  The purpose of this is to increase circulation which brings blood to the surface of the skin and it sloughs off the outside layer.  The first circle should make your skin turn red but obviously not lacerate.  I think the technical name for this is dry brushing, but I do it wet.  I scrub anywhere on my body that might be prone to strechmarks:  tummy, sides, back, booty, hips, thighs.  If it doesn’t hurt a bit you’re not doing it hard enough or your brush is too soft.  If you follow this general pattern it increases lymph flow which may also reduce cellulite.

3.  Get out of the shower and while still damp rub the thickest lotion you can find all over your torso.  For the first few pregnancies I used body butter and shea butter and cocoa butter.  You can find these in the black girl lotion sections of most stores.  These days I’m using coconut oil and I’m not yet convinced of it’s magical powers.  I’ve also bought and used Burt’s Bees Belly Butter and anything from maternity stores. They mostly work, but not thick enough in my opinion.  Queen Helene is the best and the cheapest.

4.  Take a Vitamin-E pill daily along with your prenatal.

5.  Any time you feel that uncomfortable feeling of my skin is too tight (or itching), slap more lotion on there. 

Occasionally while you’re pregnant you’ll see tiny red stretchmarks, but those usually go away on me.  Also they make me panic and redouble my routine.  I don’t have a solution for the stretchmarks that come from nursing engorgement because dry brushing hurts too much during that phase and you probably don’t want a ton of lotion on your breasts.  However, I have seen old stretchmarks from adolescence visibly reduced using this method so even if you missed the boat, try the routine anyway and see if it doesn’t help reduce the old wear.  Most of the time I’ve been pregnant I’ve been in a considerably more humid climate and I’m worried that the dry Utah air will ruin my plan, but I’m still hopeful. 

Please let me know if you find this useful and if it works for you!

 

Religious acknowledgment:  Being that I’m LDS and I wear garments I have always dressed modestly.  I have a really really hard time with this and I give myself two minor rebellions against the strict dresscode to which I generally adhere:  I wear whatever I want when I swim and I wear garments selectively when I am pregnant and nursing.  Neither of these concessions are inline with the expectations of the religion, but I justify them thusly.  When I’m swimming it’s going to be immodest no matter what and one-pieces just look weird on me.  Even Mimi pointed and laughed when I tried one on once.  I just feel comfortable in bikinis and I started collecting them when I was about 15.  When I’m pregnant and nursing I feel that I’m on the Lord’s errand anyway and my body is otherwise employed.  I usually wear either the top or the bottom, but clothing is so difficult during these times we all could use a bit of a break from restrictions that make appearing in public not-naked complicated.

Also, maybe you haven’t noticed, but I do whatever I feel like doing and find my own peace.

Voyage to See the Mouse

First, the getting there.

Dear everybody who casually makes the drive from SLC to LA: You are all dirty liars. 

You led me to believe that it was no big deal.  Like 8 hours, right?

WRONG.  That horrible hideous drive was 11 hours, minimum.  Add two for stupid road construction between Vegas and St. George.

Here I was thinking SLC to Vegas was like LA to Vegas: 3 1/2 hrs, 4 on a bad weekend.  I say nay nay. That torturous drive from SLC to Vegas is like 8 hours by itself.  I left SLC at about 7pm thinking I’d reach Vegas by like 11.  Not even close.

I’ve driven SLC to SF a number of times and I can do it with kid in about 11/12 hrs.  I usually stay over somewhere.  But I’ve just assumed that Vegas was closer because surely nobody would live in such an isolated place that takes 11 hours to get anywhere.  Now I understand why there are so many LDS people here.  If you make the journey you might as well just convert because you’re not going anywhere any time soon.  Oh, and flights?  Anywhere I’ve looked costs about $400 for a weekend trip!  Multiply by kids and sorry, forget it.  We are immobile.

Thankfully, my children are seasoned and excellent travelers.  They had no issue with the length of the trip and we made it into a lovely odyssey of Americana.

We crashed in Las Vegas the first night because Hush was at a work conference there and he had a nice (free) room at the Luxor.  The only thing I’m sure he was missing was four extra people barging in at 2am.

Yogurt on the way out of Vegas.  I bet I could have convinced the kids that Vegas was just another Disneyland.  They were into it and wanted to stay.

In Baker we found a kitschy Alien Jerky place complete with an Alien display and a lot of creepy conspiracy theory.  Silas was appropriately creeped out.  Their beef jerky there is kinda gross, but it’s a fun place to stop. 

Once leaving Alien Jerky my fantastic any-time sickness kicked in and I found myself barfing into a plastic baggy WHILE I WAS DRIVING.  Oh, and when I puked it exploded INTO MY EYES.  I barfed in my own face.  Traumatizing.

After the incident we were guided by gigantic signs to Peggy Sue’s Diner.  I recommend this place.  It has tons of movie memorabilia and a fun park in the back full of dinosaurs.  It’s like going back in time sitting at the bar and the kids thought it was rad.

Barfing, driving, barfing, driving.  At least the kids were glued to their iPads watching Frozen and I had a couple of good books on tape.  And man, did we ever have good accommodations upon arrival.  Check out Val and Alina’s new house!

Down a Palm tree lined road . . .

With a white picket fence and perfectly manicured front yard

Next to a neighbor who apparently drives a Celebrity House tour van!

You’ll find a cozy bed in one of three bedrooms

With a charming (freezing cold) pool

AND THIS UNBELIEVABLE CLOSET.

Deep in Bear Country (read: the Valley).

Thanks Val, Alina and Piper for making us feel at home!  We will be back next month.  If I can invent some sort of Beam-Me-There technology because I ain’t never doing that stupid drive again.

Ode to Disneyland RideMax

Everybody knows Disneyland is the most crowded place on earth and that it’s a huge waste of money because you stand in lines all day and ride like three rides.

Well, not anymore!

(This is going to sound like a PSA and it is.  RideMax should hire me and all of my sisters.  We are in love with RideMax.)

Go to RideMax

Apparently some company has calculated algorithms to figure out when the lines for each ride are the shortest on which days.  It costs $15 to join the website (or just use mine, email me for code) and then you pre-plan you day by selecting the rides you want to go on, what time you’re willing to arrive, when and where you want to eat, and if you need to take any nap breaks.  And then it generates a schedule for you including the wait times for each ride.

Using RideMax on a pretty standardly crowded day we were able to ride 18 rides and do a total of 31 activities.  That is miraculous.

Here is our RideMax schedule:

We had to arrive at 7:50am (I barfed on the way), and then we ran to the Peter Pan ride.  It was so much fun blitzing past everybody in a stampede with Silas crying behind.  It’s a total blast.  If you hit Peter Pan at exactly 8:05, as you get off you will see the line filling up as those poor schmucks line up for their day of lines.  Look at the rest of the schedule. Dumbo!  Even the wait times on there were longer than we waited, we just walked right on most rides.  Here’s proof:

Peter Pan.  (why are these pictures blurry?  they weren’t on my phone!)

Dumbo

Snow White.  What’s missing from Snow White?  All the other people.  We didn’t even have time in line to get adequately scared by the line décor.  We went on most of the Fantasyland rides twice, because we could.

This is what Toontown looks like WITH NO PEOPLE.

We needed another adult to get Silas and Jude on the Gadget Go-coaster at the same time, so I asked an unsuspecting stranger.  Silas grabbed her hand and off they went.

How long did you wait to meet Mickey so that your kid could cry just when you got there?  Yeah, we didn’t wait at all.  In fact, Mickey invited US in.

You may not recognize Pirates of the Caribbean because it’s empty. 

After a few hours of riding everything to our heart’s content Disneyland started to get legitly crowded.  At this time RideMax doesn’t bother sending you to wait in a 40 minute line, rather it suggests that you just chill for a while.  We used this time to have an early lunch and go to the Tangled Show (where we sat in the first row, of course). 

My sister Val showed up around this time and took the kids for more Toontown while I did my own activity:

Pulling a Jim in Toontown.

Later in the afternoon RideMax tells you to use the Fastpasses that you sent a runner for earlier that morning.  This got us on Star Tours, no problem (Space Mtn was closed).

Itinerary:

Peter Pan, Dumbo, Storybook boats, Mr. Toad’s, Pinocchio, Snow White, Casey Jr Train, Toontown roller coaster twice, Chip and Dale treehouse, Mickey house, Minnie house, Toontown spin cars, Pirates, ate beignets in New Orleans, Tarzan treehouse, Haunted Mansion, Winnie the Pooh, Buzz Lightyear, Lunch at the plaza inn, walked down Main Street, listened to Dapper Dan’s Barbershop Quartet, took the horse drawn carriage, Saw Tangled show, More toontown, napped, Roger Rabbit ride again, Jungle Cruise, Tiki Room, Star Tours, Teacups, Dinner in the Pinocchio attached restaurant through which ELSA AND ANNA walked, Parade front row.

That’s 31 things.

At 6:30 RideMax tells you exactly where to sit for the parade so that you have the best view with shade AND seating.  (It’s by the bathrooms behind Alice in Wonderland, next to the Matterhorn.)

Waiting for the parade with Auntie Photobomber

And this is pretty much how Disneyland was for us:  outrageously joyful.

Thanks to Celia for teaching us about RideMax.  Thanks to Val for meeting us there at just the right time.  It was the best Disney day I’ve ever had.  The weather was perfect (you could wear a light jacket and not die from heat) and my kids were the perfect age (nobody asked to be carried even once). The only things missing were Hush and our cousins. 

The February that Never Ended

Ever had one of those months that just seem to go on forever?  How come that happens in February for me, the shortest month?

December-Valentine’s Day is a rush and then February slows to a screeching halt. 

We have a lot of winter events:  Christmas, then Si’s birthday, then NYE, then three of my sibling’s birthdays and then my own birthday.  A week after that is Mimi’s birthday and then Valentine’s Day.  And then nothing but work and school and the daily grind.

It seems like all I do is work and barf and sleep, but apparently we’ve had a LOT more fun than I realized.

All of the sudden Mimi can read!  We’ve started writing back and forth to each other as a little writing project.

Want to know what’s way better than stupid expensive Thanksgiving Point?  The free dino museum adjacent to BYU.  Also, meet Silas’ new weird smile.

Discovered a magical way to make a tie-dye cake.  We haven’t found a way to make it taste delicious.

My tiny baby sister Camille came to visit.  She flew all the way to Utah to model for her wedding dress maker.  Right is how she really looks, left is how she doesn’t really look. 

Mimi takes a million freaky selfies.

Hush and I are planning a babymoon (he will hate that term and I will cackle and say it more) in June.  Is there anything better than looking at an entire map of the world and picking places somewhat randomly?  Dying of excitement.

This is my newest prized possession for my birthday from Camille.  And the boots from Pam.  I came home from work to a cake hidden in a room full of streamers and then we went out to dinner with some fabulous friends that I’ve inherited.

 

Ran across this on Buzzfeed and it made me feel good.  It makes me want to go back to school an get a PhD.  But that would take effort.

Mimi’s 7th birthday party!  We had a lovely spa party.  We started with pedicures and then did face masks, hair styling, makeup and general fabulousness.  It was Fancy Nancy inspired.  7 year olds are the best.

Mimi and her buddy Violet.  I put hair extensions in all of those little girl’s hair.

Hush and I got this mail from JudeJude.  People ask me all the time how the kids are adjusting to having a dad at home every night of the week.  They refer to Hush to his face by his name, but to everybody else they say “That’s my dad.”  This makes him very uncomfortable and it makes me laugh.  I like to laugh at his discomfort when it’s adorable.  Houdini is Dada and Hush is their everyday dad.

Jess took some pictures of my kids for their every six month group picture.  Jude and Silas are the same size, still.  It drives Jude nuts.

This was our last snow.  It was huge rad flakes like a winter wonderland.  Hey everybody I made it through the Utah winter!   And I liked it!

This was my reward for making it through the winter: skiing with our lovely neighbors and Jimbo.  It turns out I don’t hate skiing as much as I thought I did.  And I didn’t fall down which is good because that would have hurt my baby. 

Oh!  You gotta check out Rebekah’s blog.  She’s smart and funny and new at blogging so she needs lots of blog love.  Go check her out!

My Sugar House Life

Funny story about how we met.  The kids and I were walking around the neighborhood and heard children and splashing.  We went to investigate and first I saw California license plates, then I saw a pretty woman about my age sitting on the lawn reading a real live book wearing a UCLA t-shirt.  The kids saw her son Aidan and their hot tub.  Rebekah is a recent MA grad from UCLA – and she’s a librarian!  She has a nice attorney (second, much improved) husband.  It was meant to be.  Divine providence across the street from us in Sugar House.  She started a book club and the rest is the beginning of our history.