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A year ago and one month ago I gave birth to this little monster:
Against my wishes and express instructions he turned one last month.
He's nearly walking. He's just about a toddler.
And so the hunger returns.
I promised myself that I would pretend that Philo is my last baby but then revisit the possibility that he isn't a year after his birth. It's been a year and a month. He's not my last baby.
They say that when you're done having children you know it. There should be some sixth sense that tells you six will be too many but that sense just isn't hitting me. I'm not done. There're more people to add to this party some day.
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Oh, and I'm starting 3 years of law school in the fall. AND I'm 36.
So I need you to solve my life. I gotta figure out a fail-safe way to get my last baby into my arms. (She's a girl, I'm apparently a mystic). How am I supposed to drum up a baby with all these things trying to stop me?
Do the math on any of the options. Nothing really makes sense. Hasn't stopped me before! Sure I keep f-ing up my life but we have so much fun despite all of my failings!
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| Clearly NOT crazy. |
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| Not a newborn. |
Dear God,
What is wrong with me? Why won't the baby fever pass? I have five kids and no husband and a job and a law career ahead of me and I'm getting too old for this crap and two freaking baby daddies already and my life is next to impossible. Shouldn't these things cure me?
Love,
Your friendly neighborhood Brood Mare.
I have found a secret weapon for managing my life, though. Her name is Robyn. After doing the last 18 months pretty much by myself as Hush moved in and out after filing for divorce when I was three months pregnant with Philo I finally got a live in nanny. She is my pride and joy. I have no idea how we managed without her. I had to stack kids up in rooms (3 in one, 2 in the other) so that we would have room for her but we don't mind at all because she is worth it. It's like having a wife. I've always wanted a wife! I can leave arms free, I can grocery shop without lugging all five kids under 10, we split cleaning the kitchen and putting kids to bed. We are a team and I am so blessed to have found this vegan artistic political cat loving person.
Even Mimi is plotting our next baby. She has lots of suggestions. One involved inviting my single male friends to become Dads, another was the way my sister and her wife got their new precious baby that I cannot wait to meet.
BTW: this is my new favorite picture of Mimi. Eye mask, tie-dye leggings she's been wearing for at least two days, Rolling Stones sweatshirt, GPS watch, rollerskates inside making Valentines and singing.
We just have so much love to give. Anybody got any extra babies? We'll raise 'em rad for you!
6 comments:
I'm fairly new to your blog and we've never met and I have no suggestions about how to get another kid. But I want you to know that I love your blog so far and I'm rooting for you. And it's nice to know I'm not the only one who keeps looking at my 5th kid (who just turned two!!!!!) and thinking, "Just one more?"
Solidarity, sister.
I know I've said it before but you are my spirit animal. I want more babies so bad but I'm literally failing at 5 and my husband is super helpful so... you are amazing. My solution is to foster in a few years-babies forever! Here's my solution for you: you'll be a lawyer and I'll be (someday) a therapist and we both want babies everywhere. Let's open up a children's shelter or home for girls or something. Just think about it. Neverending babies but no more pregnancies. And this post was so we'll written as usual.
Wish you all the best! May your dreams come true!
I totally think that the full stop feeling does NOT exist for everyone. I'm seven years away from babies, don't have a uterus anymore and have had all of my grand adoption plans fall through and it is just hitting me that this feeling of wanting babies is going to be there and live with me for a long time. I suppose that might possibly mean that there is another baby in the future but I seriously doubt that at this point. I'm channeling all of that love I desperately want to give into other avenues.
I agree with One Fish. I don't think the "full stop feeling" exists for everyone. I have seven children of my own. I'm 38. I feel tired and my body is not in the best physical state, but I can't rule out having more babies. It's kind of funny too because have a dear friend who is currently pregnant and every time I see her I think, I am glad I am not pregnant right now! :) I'm not sure if I'm done having babies. I figure I've got until I'm 42 to really decide ;) but I know for certain that I am not done adding children to my home. My husband and I are planning on fostering and adopting. BTW my hubby is an attorney. He went through law school when we had three & four children. The first year or two can be intense. We added our fourth child during his third year.
Since you asked for advice, here is mine:
For now, Enjoy the kids you have. You are *only* 36. That means you've still got about a 6 to 9 year window that you could have babies. Go to Law School and enjoy yourself. Even after law school (and passing the bar), if you haven't had a baby you'll still have a window of 3 to 6 years. That's plenty of time to add one or two or three babies to your family. The main thing is, in my opinion, YOU are ALRIGHT! Your life isn't quite what you thought it would be, but it is still a pretty great life (at least from what I read on your blog). You have wonderful, wonderful children who love you almost as much as you love them. You have a great extended family who love you. And you have amazing friends. It is alright to have a few years space between babies. Anyways, I've rambled on enough.
I've followed your blog since the beginning (if I remember correctly...) and though I have never met you in person, I think you are amazing. Good luck on the next part of your journey!!
When you're not done, you're not done. Open that door and let the universe decide who walks in. There's no rush.
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