2/25/17

Living Life as though it was Rigged in My Favor

You know how when bad things happen you're supposed to be sad, morose, melancholy, woeful, depressed, dismayed, and dejected?
I'm not.
I've just divorced and Donald Trump exists. Church things are unfortunate. I think I should have my typical jovial attitude tempered. My fun should turn down to give adequate weight to the tragedies at hand.
 
But I can't help it! My life is going great! I feel taken care of and blessed and I feel guilty about it because other people are getting screwed and feeling scared because of the bad choices of our leadership.
Maybe I'm just so used to relishing my blessings when the going gets tough that when I feel negative drama sweeping in I immediately switch into What is Great mode so that the sadness doesn't sit so deep.
1. I have so many wonderful friends and sister wives that I can't even keep up with them all. I am so blessed to know so many strong women that I love.
2. I'm currently in LA (that may have a lot to do with how happy I am ATM) to see two new babies.
My sister whom I never thought would get the opportunity to be a parent now has her own tiny baby and she gets to feel all of the magic associated therein.
She and Alina even named him well. Oliver.
 
My babies were picked up last night for time with their dad for the weekend and I know they will get a ton of love.
 
3. My big kids are also being picked up by Houdini in Salt Lake City for the first time in over a year (they did see him for a few hours when we were in CA for Thanksgiving).
I can have free time unencumbered by guilt that they aren't with a parent, and I don't have to pay to to be away from them. And they're going to love it and also be so happy to be home again on Monday.
 
4. I wasn't planning about writing about this but it's a major factor in my happiness. Someone new is being really really nice to me. Apparently I am likeable, contrary to what I've been told for the last three years. Somebody likes me. It's simple and it feels great and I'm marveling that my fears and the threats were unfounded: I still have worth even with my mistakes and baggage and hoard. I'd hoped but I wasn't sure.  And, I'm affirmed that I am not completely dysfunctional at participation. 
 

5. I have this huge project coming up that I get to fret about and look forward to in trepidation. Figuring out how to do law school with five kids is like a puzzle to be solved. I get until August to wonder and plan and worry, and then it begins. Cool scary.
 
 

6. I have help, I have my live in nanny who is making my entire life possible and helping me carry my load. (Btw, if you want to know how to swing a live in nanny or you fantasize about it ask me. I'll explain how and why it's totally financially manageable and how we work it out). But seriously, thank God for Robyn. My life is equivalent to two people's full time job but together we got it covered.  I also have help on the commitment I signed up for that I'm totally not doing very well. I agreed to do Girl Scouts (Mimi talked me into it) and my close friend Melissa signed up with me. She's carrying most of the weight because it's the one thing that would slip through the cracks without her taking charge. I am so very grateful. I also have help with shoveling snow and getting things fixed around the house and I have extra pairs of arms to toss a baby into and snuggle my kids. 
 
7. By the way, let me follow that tangent. This can be happy item seven: I have a standard to grade myself on my parenting.  I read somewhere that children need to be shown all five different love languages every day. That's my major parenting strategy so that I can gauge what a kid needs and so that I can go to sleep every night knowing I connected with each kid every day. The Five Love Languages is a pop psyche relationship book that's been popular for years. The premise is everybody interprets being loved differently. The five love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, service, gifts, and touch (hugs, kisses, hands on love).  As adults we have one or two love languages that when people do them we know we are loved for real. I would argue most mother's love lanugage is service. Mine is that and words of affirmation. You help me and tell me nice things and I feel loved. Children's love language is all five, every day.  This is on top of Maslow's basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, safety. They need to me to sit and look at them giving them my full attention, they need to hear that I'm proud of them for whatever thing they're doing, they need me to grab them fruit by the foot even though it's not a necessity, they need my hands on their shoulders and their little arms tickled.  My personal standard is to do something in all five love language areas every day. It's my 25 item check list and I go through it mentally every night.  Did I touch Silas today? Have I told Jude something positive? Did I give Lou something that showed her I was thinking about her? Did I spend floor time with Philo? Did I help Mimi do something? All five for all five.
 
Back to the topic at hand.  Other things that are going well, in spite of the aforementioned tragedies.

8. I get to talk to my college BFF Alex every day and support her through a crisis in her life. I am long on empathy. I also get to witness my friend coming back into her authentic self.
 

9. All of my favorite jeans fit. If that isn't enough to make any woman gloriously happy I don't know what is. Getting back into those jeans, a delight almost too indulgent to be wished.  But hey, man. Tragedy makes me skinny. I'll take it, shut up and be grateful.

10. My family is supportive and gives me privacy. They don't ask and make me talk about what happened. They either ignore it or accept me for who I am without making me feel weird about my life. If they don't want to know something they don't ask. I know it's a strange approach but their giving me plenty of latitude to manage my husband problems and the fallout thereafter is the best kind of support they could give and I love them all dearly for it. And my parents have my back in a hundred different ways.

11. My classes are going smoothly.  I had to redesign my courses based on some curriculum changes, but I did a good enough job reorganizing last semester that this one is much easier because I have all my lesson plans.
 

12. My friends are having successes and exciting things happen. I get to cheer on Rebekah who just became the queen of all libraries in Utah, Lacy who had a medical win with Will, Christine who is taking her family to Italy for the first time, Fae who is managing her new work/mom life with aplomb, Alex who recently discovered that she's incredibly desirable after being cheated on and feeling terrible, goth Christine who has a man treating her with so much love, Niya whose baby has recovered from colic. My friends are having all kinds of wins and my heart sings for their happy things.
 
13. I have summer camps coming up. I'm not worried about summer with five kids this year because I have a plan for the neighborhood camps I started last year and we have a few little trips to take.

14. I feel proud of my successful trip to Europe alone with three children. That was a major life accomplishment for me and I'm still resting on my self awarded laurels.
 
15. I've figured out a way to accept my life for what it is and what it has been. Ok so my marriages have been disasters. So what? That's just one part of my life. I have a history of hard relationships, more than normal. Who cares? I did it, I lived through it, I have the children to prove it. I don't feel it necessary to live it down, I don't feel like I have to explain anything to anybody.  I'm living my life happily and I'm not embarrassed and I don't feel any shame.  I am immune to judgment. I'm going to make more choices and write about them and see how things pan out.  I won't label myself by my failures. I tried being married a few times, it didn't work, I'll try again if I feel so inclined and that is fine. I persist.

 




11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! A glorious, and rather inspirational, manifesto!

One Fish said...

I love this.

Alexia Thomsen said...

You're the most amazing woman I know, Nor. I just bragged about you today to a guy I met on Tinder.

Jo said...

Oh man I miss you Lenore! I wish we still lived close or just that I was better at keeping in touch. �� Either way, you are awesome and I love reading what you write.

ang :o) said...

You inspire me. ❤

Courtney Rice said...

GO Nor!!! You are strong and brave!! You amaze me and I love you. ❤️

Circe said...

Ooh,love that last quote. My favorite thing is positivity, followed by lack of guilt or shame. Required ingredients for living life fully. Glad you're happy!

Lisa-Marie said...

I love what you say about living your life free of judgement. I envy and admire that in you. I can relate to the feelings of joy amid turmoil. Joy is my natural default emotion and for that i am grateful. I'm So happy you feel the same way. Keep living. Keep being happy. Keep believing in yourself. Keep us posted on this boy who knows your value. Keep writing!

lavidalaura said...

I will second the 'inspirational' comment - I've followed your blog for a few years and you've never seemed anything short of fascinating, remarkable, and 150% likeable. Glad things are going well for you and your beautiful family!

Mimi said...

I want to "like" this post, but I can't, so I guess I have to comment. I'm just catching up with your blog after a long time out of the blog world. You are so positive and inspiring, to be yourself and be immune to judgment, to find happiness and victories in the middle of hard times. Thank you for sharing your life with people like me, who haven't seen you in a decade, but really enjoy your writing and hearing about your life. You're amazing and I'm happy for you!

Kera B said...

You crazy, wild, awesome woman!! I love seeing your story unfold and your enthusiasm for life is contagious!