Slash Dad Kintsugi: To repair with gold.

How many dads does it take to replace one “real” dad?  How deep is that hole in a boy’s heart whose dad inexplicably forgets he exists?
Yesterday was my son’s 8th birthday. In keeping with an 8 year tradition, there was not one acknowledgement from his birth father.  However, on that day two dads stepped in and filled the Dad shaped hole in his heart.  One FaceTimed in as a sweet and authentic mimic of what his real life divorced dad should do.  The other made a Dad style birthday party for him, complete with freshly storebought cake and bowls for plates. Silas had a dad yesterday. His slash dads stepped in and made that boy know he counts.

It was Silas, actually, who came up with the concept. We needed a fill-in Dad to help with Christmas Eve and do the iconic “Night Before Christmas” reading that the dad always gets to do in pictures of Norman Rockwell style Christmas. In his glasses, with a mug, and in slippers (pink sparkly ones!) One of my oldest friends was in the area and I hit him up to play Dad. Silas said he’s our friend but also like our dad when we need him to be. He’s our friend slash Dad.  

My grinch heart grew three sizes that day. He’s right! We do have DAD. We have dads who love us when they really don’t HAVE to.  We have a dad to take us skiing, we have a dad to let us eat junk food, we have a dad to make sure the broken door is fixed, we have a Dad who makes sure we have a roof over our head, we have dads who reassemble furniture, we have a dad who will baptize Silas when he wants to be baptized, we even had a dad (my brother) who explained that boys can pee standing up. We are a village of Dads, any time. We are blessed by an army of Slash Dads who are rooting for and helping toward our success. God bless them in their selfless regard for my children. 

Thus, public acknowledgement and expressions of gratitude need highlight these unseen dads who keep my boys feeling like somebody sees them and my girl off the pole. Thank you to my Slash Dad Team. 

Thanks to the consistent men in my life — when you’ve arrived you’ve stayed and you’re the only way we will make the transition from the perilous “I didn’t know my real dad should have been doing more than paying and seeing us twice a year.” to the whole and healed “My real Dad didn’t ever see me play football but my slash dads did and my real dad never saw my ballet performance but my slash Dads, they were there for me every single time.” They’ve come into our lives in different ways and for different reasons and they love and care for my children independently of (and perhaps inspite of) me. Imagine what Mimi’s crowd going down the aisle is going to look like. The men who are helping raise them will support them forever.  Oh, and if any one hurts them they will amasse guns and shovels and take care of the problem.  We are fortified with Dads.

She is reminded of that every time she sees one Slash Dad’s tattoo of five bars: one representing her. If Jude doesn’t have a mother who can consult on football paraphernalia he has a Slash Dad who will be honored to do so.  He knows what a first down is.  Silas will know Star Wars culture because of his Slash Dad.  One Slash Dad even came to Jude’s birthday party dressed as a Jedi Teacher AND DarthVader to instruct on Jedi mind tricks. Our Slash Dads go above and beyond. 

 And so, through the Slash Dads we also find acceptance and love for the birth dad. He is doing the best he can too and we accept the love he is able to give in whatever fashion. He gave them a trip to Park City and a Nintendo. We love him for playing a Slash Dad role too. That’s ok.
There is a tradition in Japanese art called Kintsugi which means to “repair with gold.” The idea is broken pottery is repaired with golden glue to make something the more beautiful for its broken pieces. My children’s and my heart (mostly mine now, but possibly theirs in the future) are broken and filled with the strongest most beautiful gold. We are completed with you kind hearted men who have pulled the cart with me.

So if you see my man friends and exes at a game or at parties know they are filling a family’s heart, on call, at the drop of a hat.  Thank you for filling in the Dad shaped gap. You are loved and you are part of our family.

There are so many chances for men to be good men.  These men are there for us all the time.  All you have to do is give them the opportunity to be there for you and they will.  Thanks, Dads.


go boo boo said...

I love this & your writing & your tribute to yours & all amazing men!

Sarah Claridge said...


Cossack (AKA Izdatyel) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura Cano said...

I seriously can't believe Dax Craven doesn't call his kids on their birthdays. What kind of father doesn't want anything to do with those beautiful children? Isn't he supposed to be marrying his latest girl friend Erin Cave? Does she have any idea about his history? You should tell her and her family what he's actually about so that they don't get sucked into his lies.

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