So You Wanna Join the Greenbombs?

“Here I am, where I’ve been

Walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin

My clothes are worn and gritty

And I‘ve known ugliness,

Now show me something pretty.”

- Patrick Park

My family is very close.  I frequently hear from or interact with three to five of them every day via text or social media; when I lived in Dville I saw at least one usually more than one sibling or parent a day.  We spend most Sunday evenings together swimming at the Mothership, we drive each other’s kids and have sleep overs, we have birthday parties, we go on activities.  My family is my friend group and I like it that way.  Of course we don’t always get along, but even when we hate each other’s insides we will still spend time together. 

How I feel hanging out with my family.  We’ve earned our stripes.

I’ve written a lot of positive things about my family because we are overall a very blessed and happy group of people. 

Family on Camille’s wedding day. bro Nate and nephew Max missing.

Our family unity results in a lot of involvement and concern for each other’s welfare.  When one of us suffers a major life blow we all do.  When one grandkid struggles we are aware and we help each other.  When one of my kid’s behavior was confounding me I shipped him off to Celia’s for a few days and he was returned with a full report of how to rewire my thinking and approach to him.  It was immensely helpful and yielded very positive results.  I have been a major recipient of sibling and parent service in the last year: my ex husband failed to take the children off my hands for his scheduled weekends and when he didn’t show up one of my siblings would take my children for the entire weekend.  We called these weekends SAVE THE CR@VENS!

 

How I felt when Houdini bailed on his weekends and I have to cancel all of my plans.

  Having one weekend off a month for the last eight months made what would have otherwise been a completely overwhelming single-parenting experience both bearable and enjoyable.  I loved my kids so much more after we had had a little time apart.  Their service was a lifesaver during my time of need.

In the last few years this family o’ mine has been through the ringer.  I was thinking today of all of the major life events my siblings, parents and I have crawled through these last few years.

Here’s what I came up with:

A couple of divorces

Jim’s broken back and subsequent month-long hospital stay

Nate’s sudden death

Jay’s trials and eventual death

A sister losing her twin babies

Another late-term miscarriage

Family falling away from church activity

Family experiencing major religious conflict

Grandkids struggling with a variety of issues

Newlyweds living in different states

A first year of law school

Total upsets in financial situations

At least half of us moving more than once

A husband being at war nearly twice as long as expected

Dealing with close relation’s struggles with addictions

Two single parent households

 

That’s a pretty wide-ranging list.  The only MAJOR difficulty we have yet to face is children born out of wedlock.  Other than that, we’ve pretty much trudged through some of the hardest trials available to a family in our specific time and place.  Sure, some trials are self inflicted, but most are circumstance and out of our hands.  Of course, considering the assets and quality of life we enjoy, these are first-world problems.  We have food and clean water.  Nonetheless, I think telling your father his first born son is dead (for example) should perhaps put the family on a trial-pass for a few years.  Not our family.  We did the condensed challenges program.

What an interesting journey we’ve been on together.

As a family we have become both closer and more calloused.  I don’t think that any middle of the night phone call would be met with shock at this point, rather a calm resignation to just another trial.  When people begin talking about something that is plaguing them most often my overriding thought is “I understand, I’ve been through that.”  I have learned a great deal of empathy.  I have a point of reference to nearly all areas of trial, save perhaps children born with life-altering defects or unwanted pregnancy or debilitating illness.  Thank the Lord for postponing those trials for the time being. 

Where is religion amidst this seeming hailstorm of hard?  Who wouldn’t ask where God is when lives are in complete upheaval and tidal waves of sadness kept coming? 

As I was processing these things I found breadcrumbs of comfort along the way.  Little things happened that let me know that there was a plan and that there would be a path out of what could otherwise have led into doubt or prolonged depression. 

Last November was mid-trial time.  Two of my close associates were struggling with addictions.  My sister had just found out the sex of her babies and named them, only to lose them inexplicably days later.  It was a hard time.  Around this time a friend of mine left a couple of Al Anon books at my house and another friend called to tell me that she had started going to meetings.  Yet another friend randomly mailed me a stack of CD’s by James Cox called ‘Becoming Spiritually Centered.’  I was assigned a visiting teacher who was not only available, she came over with a massage table and soothed both my body and my mind; then another Visiting Teacher came and told me stories from her life that mirrored mine.  I started going to Al Anon and learned so much about the patterns of addictive behavior and how the people around them can get sucked in and reactive to their instability.  I started listening to the James Cox CD’s and they completely changed recharged my enthusiasm and appreciation for the gospel.  James Cox is a one time bishop and stake president who gives lectures on how to live a Christ-centered life.  Sounds generic, isn’t.  I really cannot promote this lecture series enough, it has changed my attitude toward religion in general and is perhaps the most helpful and practical LDS teaching (aside from the words of the Prophets) I’ve ever encountered.  It’s totally different from anything I’ve heard before and it was exactly where I turn every time a trial arises. 

I’m so grateful for God’s hand during these challenges; that through other people He has given me what I needed to get through the hard times.  Life isn’t significantly easier now and I am still dealing with a lot of the same vexing situations, but now I actually have tools that work: the gospel, the pattern identification and steps to avoid repeating the same conflicts from Al Anon, and these James Cox CDs that help me both put these trials in perspective and even smirk a little when they come. 

My family probably has a lot more challenges ahead, but I am enjoying peace every day.  And the GOOD things that come into my life are so much more valuable to me because of all the hard we’ve waded through.  As good things come into my life God has made my personal path clear and smooth . . . every day is easier and happier than the last as I feel certain we are finally on the right path. 

I don’t expect things to be as peaceful and happy as they are right now for me and my little people, and that makes it all the sweeter.