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Every week I go to church I feel exposed. My family isn’t the normal LDS family and my life hasn’t been the normal life – Young Women’s medallions, get married at BYU, scoffed at offers of booze, laughed in the face of morality temptations, can answer all five temple questions without a shred of doubt, never had any issues with leadership, swallowed it all hook-line-and-sinker. At times I hate my meandering road. I hate that I have to fight to show up on Sunday and look around the room at a group of people I feel is so unlike me. Not wrong or right, just different.
A missionary once said to me “If everyone at church wore their sins on the outside the room would be a very ugly place.” But we don’t see much below the surface there, do we? I see couples married for decades sitting peacefully together. I see young families with two parents wrangling children together. I see the same people, true and faithful, coming every week like it’s just a given for them and they’ve never been tempted to go on a drive instead.
Everybody has struggles. We don’t see them. We go to church and we smile and act like we are the reigning Queens of Christianity who occasionally have to repent for eating too many cookies. How disgraceful.
Of course, none of these feelings ever happen to me. I’m just saying. Hypothetically.
I’m one of the normal ones – happy nuclear family, no crazy people accusing me of crazy things, never a doubt, never a temptation, no bad things ever. Right? Right. Ha.
![IMG_3963[1]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA5-JNtejZDwTu6Ucb99yLZVjHixOTOFmKrWQvi3yur1_2zHpdHr_ie_g4cH3t6inoLKzfCT44pnj-Nzzlo9ZhKH2-AR2cR0PuRnQinrDc356_WoC8RdV4d4DpfW5MskbxW1Idy9-NlExZ/s1600-h/IMG_3963%25255B1%25255D%25255B3%25255D.jpg "IMG_3963[1]")
But for all YOU weirdos. You single parents, you kinda-believers, you sometimes garment wearing, rarely temple attending, you doubting Peters and you whores of Babylon, you with the family falling apart, you who was out drinking last night, you one hour attending, you once a month going, all of you at different, maybe harder places on the path, this one is for you. I respect your struggle as much as I respect the people for whom it comes slightly easier. I need to know it’s damn hard for you too.
And we can feel exposed together traveling the path at our own pace.
“Here's to Patti
And Tina
And Yoko
Aretha
And Nona
And Nico
And me
And all the strange rock and rollers
You know you're doing all right
So hold on to each other
You gotta hold on tonight”
And Tina
And Yoko
Aretha
And Nona
And Nico
And me
And all the strange rock and rollers
You know you're doing all right
So hold on to each other
You gotta hold on tonight”
![IMG_3917[1]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiZhgApgah4074M7GI9oyVcTamcG71k2FIXNyC05T7f4lNnZG9n2AoxNsmINJ0BfActJedl2LJcPJZfL4xsh8fwvum1Z7Kz0JzreSoWb2dUGu1CKYcXEolzSyDb0vrfNNZlU9_NEac_O0Y/s1600-h/IMG_3917%25255B1%25255D%25255B4%25255D.jpg "IMG_3917[1]")
16 comments:
Hi there,
I've been following you for awhile, but don't think I've left a comment yet. I came over because I asked Caroline of the MMB which blogs does she read consistently, and she said yours. I asked her why, her reply was that you're "honest and real".
Indeed.
I am commenting on this post because it has hit a nerve, in a good way, and I want you to know that you're not alone in your feelings. I'm a convert to the Church since I was 16 years old. I'm 50 now. I have 7 children. My oldest will be 29 this month and my youngest is 11. I share this because I want you to know I have been around long enough to have a different perspective than I did when I was a young mom to many kids.
When I was younger, I was constantly comparing my life to other people--my successes and my failures. I was married for 14 years and then divorced because he didn't know how to be a husband and father. A "doctor" yes, a father no. So we cut him loose. I know what it's like to be single in the Church. To know what it's like to suddenly be on the outside looking in.
The very families I used to compare my own to when our children were younger, look much different once our kids got older and could choose for themselves. Some of those families are in tatters these days, some are not together at all. Teenagers have a way of making us all humble.
I lost my way for a bit and thankfully realized my best days weren't over, they were yet to come. I realized TRULY, that God is good and was there when I needed Him. I remarried nearly 14 years ago to the right person for me. (I knew myself much better at 34 than at 20). Together, we have led our children to the Temple. My oldest two have served missions, have been married in the temple, and this next week another one is leaving for her mission. We sit on the 2nd row in the Chapel every Sunday. We feed the missionaries. I have had people come up to me and pat me on the back saying I've done such a good job with my kids...I always let them know that it isn't ME. I don't have some great secret, but that my children have come to find out for themselves that they NEED the Gospel in their lives to be happy. That road you speak of, is a welcoming one. It is a worn path, with fellow travellers who share your burdens and love to do it. They're not perfect. They are completely aware of their imperfections, yet they travel the road anyway, like a rough stone, they get tumbled about to smoothe the edges.
So be patient in the process, young sister. Things work out. Find your place in the Church, your "seats" if you will, and be consistent in your desire to fill them every Sunday. As President Holland says,"Stay in the boat." Storms will come, rains may delay, lightening cracks may threaten, but stay in boat for safety. The storms will pass.
Sorry for the novel-ish post here!
Nor, I probably look like one of those families you want to punch in the face. I have one husband who helps me wrangle two kids every week in church. I go regularly. I'm happy enough. I stay as involved as I can. But I just want you to know that it's freaking hard for me too. Especially right now, like, this very week for some reason. Sometimes I feel like I'm going through the motions (not all the motions, but as many as I can stand) just with the hope that I will find ONE moment of complete satisfaction and understanding and spiritual peace. It doesn't happen very often anymore and I'm struggling to keep my composure about it. So please, try to understand that even those who don't look so "different" often feel out of place too. Sometimes the reason I don't answer honestly about how I'm doing is that I don't want to burden everyone else with my problems. That's how I deal. I'm sure there are a lot of others out there like me. Lately, what I've tried to cling to are the few things I absolutely believe are true, and hope that those will carry me through the day or week until I can connect with something else. Anyway, it's nice to know I'm not totally alone on this one.
Nor, I probably look like one of those families you want to punch in the face. I have one husband who helps me wrangle two kids every week in church. I go regularly. I'm happy enough. I stay as involved as I can. But I just want you to know that it's freaking hard for me too. Especially right now, like, this very week for some reason. Sometimes I feel like I'm going through the motions (not all the motions, but as many as I can stand) just with the hope that I will find ONE moment of complete satisfaction and understanding and spiritual peace. It doesn't happen very often anymore and I'm struggling to keep my composure about it. So please, try to understand that even those who don't look so "different" often feel out of place too. Sometimes the reason I don't answer honestly about how I'm doing is that I don't want to burden everyone else with my problems. That's how I deal. I'm sure there are a lot of others out there like me. Lately, what I've tried to cling to are the few things I absolutely believe are true, and hope that those will carry me through the day or week until I can connect with something else. Anyway, it's nice to know I'm not totally alone on this one.
Thanks for your post. Although our paths are all different, I'm sure each one of us can relate in some way or another. I know there are weeks we feel like having a "snow day" from church or when people or programs are driving us crazy. But, I've also come to know that I just have to keep moving. I know what I believe and I know where I want to go. This mortal probation can be tough. I'm so grateful I have people around me to help me along and push me when I'm dragging. It would suck to do it ALL alone. :) Love ya.
It is so very important that we begin to differentiate the culture from the gospel and even from the Church. Thanks for bringing this up, it's something I think about often. The gospel of Jesus Christ is truth, it never changes. The Church tries to teach the gospel and teach its members to follow Jesus Christ, and sometimes policies change over time to best meet that objective. The culture is another beast entirely, and is more odious in places with high Mormon concentrations. Living far away from such a place right now, I can say it is a liberating feeling. There are few expectations, and more feelings of celebration when members or others embrace the gospel and incorporate it more fully into their lives. More genuine love and compassion for each other's troubles and baggage. Go team! That kind of feel. Not the cultural Mormon kind of feel with judgement, which is not part of the gospel at all.
I love the way you write. I dislike the way I write so I try to be brief.
I was asking another member the other day why life seems unfairly easy or difficult for some people. They said (in honor of the olympics) that they like to think of the "score" of life kind of like scoring diving. You can do a mediocre job on a really difficult dive and get a better score than a fantastic job on an easy dive.
I'm glad I don't have to sort it all out in the end, but I like the diving analogy. It makes sense to me right now.
Oh how I love you! You speak the truth. Those of us for whom the faith comes harder deserve extra credit. Or just a shot of tequila on fast Sunday.
Wish we could all state our doubts and concern freely in Sunday School. I do sometimes. Then I seem like an overpowering woman, which isn't popular in our society, let alone our church.
--cat
"Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners." You are far from the only one struggling to live your faith, but you are perhaps the most honest about it.
I feel inspired to share with you that "it works out". God loves you and He will take care of you. Simplify your faith by building it on Love and be very patient with yourself. God will give you plenty of time to figure it out so you don't need to know all the answers right now. Keep loving your God, others, yourself as best you can and everything else falls into place from there: happiness (in healthy ways), peace, and Truth. Then when it's all over there will be a pink sheep in heaven. (got a spare fine pink kashmir sweater I can have if I get there? :))
I'm Sara, a childhood friend of Mardee's and have been reading your blog for a while now. I've been thinking about your post all weekend. I appear to be the typical Molly Mormon; always attending church, married in the temple, living in Utah County and I'm even Primary President (although I'm an independent, leaning liberal and I swear sometimes). However, I have my moments, weeks and even months of doubting, undergoing trials, being mad at God, dealing with well-meaning but condescending people who think they know best for me and my husband, and so on. Thankfully, we live in a ward where almost nobody's life is the ideal and we support each other in our trials. I've never lived in a ward so supportive and accepting. It's too bad more can't be like this. I've found that it's through the sharing of our doubts and difficulties that we become One as a ward or church, so thank you. I echo the stay in the boat comments. President Holland came to our stake a few years ago and emphatically (pulpit pounding) preached that when the storms come, don't jump out of the boat. Please keep sharing and know that it buoys others up.
Do you read Joanna Brooks? I think you'd find her writing very interesting.
cat
Lenore, we all have struggles. It does come in different forms. The Lord knows the desire of your heart and I love how everyone says," Stay on the both." I so need it to hear that often as well.
I realized that comparing our lives to others who seem so perfect will get us "in a box." And that is not a good place because our perspective will be distorted. I hope we can all show more love and support, and become less judgmental, so life can get easier for everyone.
Here is a quote that a friend posted on facebook. I love it.
"I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless I do not know the meaning of all things." {1 Nephi 11:17}
Hi Nor,
I identify with your post even though I'm non-LDS and an avowed nonconformist. You feel pressure to be the "perfect" churchgoer, but "perfection is man's ultimate illusion. It simply doesn't exist in the universe...If you are a perfectionist, you are guaranteed to be a loser in whatever you do."
Yep, I've been researching the perfectionism issue all night. It's a tough one! Here's another quote, for what it's worth:
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in."
~Leonard Cohen
And here's one more:
"“There is one advantage to realizing that you're never going to get it right: you do begin to stop expecting everyone else to get it right too, which makes for less frustration when other people turn out to be just as human as you are.”
― Jeff Wilson, Buddhism of the Heart: Reflections on Shin Buddhism and Inner Togetherness
I highly doubt others are as together as they let you think they are, anyway.
One last quote:
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
Anna Quindlen
Hope this helps in some way. Hugs to you!
- Someone you know :-)
Hey L,
Well, I have the same struggles. I just moved to St. George, UT and sitting in Church with a bunch of strangers is so hard. Especially when I am divorced and in the family ward, but without my boys. Having to answer questions and people wondering why my BF isn't a member. Well the last member I dated, I married in the temple and then he cheated on me. It is so hard and there is no handbook on how to handle life in the church after divorce. I don't really know what I am saying. But you have a friend in me, always. We have hit the same hard times in our lives. Please know that I am here.
At one point I felt like you..and I left the LDS faith to follow what I felt God calling me to...I have a much better relationship with him, and I understand his grace so much more now. I think in LDS culture there is so much pressure to be perfect and be this and that. But you know what? Christ wants us to give it all to him, and let him deal with our struggles. He is all that matters, and now that I have found him, I can be me. I love sitting around people praising God authentically...people that are showing their struggles freely, and are not ashamed but have the joy that comes from understanding what He did for us.
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