Shine on You Crazy Diamond

Ok, I’m ready to talk to you again.

I have not been in any mood to blog recently.  I haven’t wanted to tell anybody anything. 

I think I’ve been too happy.

Let me explain. 

Social Media is a tricky thing.  My intentions when I share pictures or post something is to show it to my sisters or a particular friend or two.  That’s why we all started these blogs: to outdo one another with our stories and to keep a record of the things we would otherwise forget in our kid’s lives.  But when you put your life out there like that you can’t anticipate how you will likely be writing about as much tragedy as celebrations.

 

But what do you do when all of the sudden NONE of the pictures have the dad in them any more?  Or when you have to move unexpectedly?  These types of life events are difficult to gloss over in a family record if you intend to be truthful and accurate.  So then comes the spin.  And the editing.  And the explanations or the gaping holes where explanations were impossible.  I wrote my way through these things looking for the good and happy while my heart and hope was completely broken.

 

 

Take my life today versus a year ago.

Last year at this time I was living alone in Dville with my children.  I was spiraling from the sudden death of my brother and two very difficult relationship ends.  My brother’s death and the deep loss I felt as I watched Dx travel further and further away from the gospel was fairly devastating leaving me to wonder if life is in fact “a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”.  What did Nate’s life mean?  Is there an afterlife?  How can the gospel mean so much to someone and then mean so little? 

I refer to last summer as my “black period” and at that time I chose to mark my nihilistic despair on my forearm.  But if you look through my blog you wouldn’t know that I felt scared and alone and, other than my wonderful delightful children, my own life was pretty miserable. 

 

Fast forward to today.

I’m pretty sure this is what it’s all about.

I now live in Utah.  My kids are happy and they can all put on their own shoes and buckle their own seatbelts.  I met, fell in love hard and fast, had the most perfect wedding and am now married to the kindest most honest man I’ve ever had the pleasure to know.  I randomly applied to a super rad new job that I can’t talk about and started working today (part time, great project for me).  My darling husband was able to work from home to watch Silas, pick up Jude and even go out in the pouring rain to cheer Mimi on as she did some fun-run for school.  And he even made her a sign.   I came home to a clean kitchen.  My family group texted hilariously all day long.  Our bills are all paid.  Last night we fed the missionaries, then my sister Camille, and then our friends.  Tonight we had family WWF night and kids are happily in bed. 

I literally walk around smiling to myself.  If you see me with wrinkles, they’re from smiling.

And that is why I haven’t been posting much.  At nights we either sit out in the hammock under the lanterns or Hush plays the guitar for me on our bed and we make up songs.  Or we dance in the kitchen.

More evidence of us living in our own little world.

Yesterday one of Hush’s friends was in from out of town and she told me that when she and her husband run into annoyances outside of their control they say “WWLD” What would Lenore Do?  And apparently she associates me with being happy no matter the circumstances.   I was awestruck.

Can you believe that?  After all of the horrible crap I’ve waded through, the impression I’ve left her is one of smiling and being as happy as I can be inspite of it all.

 

(more wedding pictures when I get them.  These are all I have!)

 

Ok, you made it to the bottom.  Good job.  Now I want to know who you are and how long you’ve been reading.  Pay the toll, looky-loos.