Texting Rules

In 1946 George Orwell Wrote “Politics and the English Language” based on the idea that people were taking far too many liberties with English.  He wrote,

Most people who bother with the matter at all would admit that the English language is in a bad way, but it is generally assumed that we cannot by conscious action do anything about it. Our civilization is decadent and our language -- so the argument runs -- must inevitably share in the general collapse.

I'm a texter, almost exclusively. I have always been phoneaphobic and having a swarm of children has made me more so.  Texting has become a major mode of exchanging English communication.  If Pam is texting fluently it means that texting is fully established.  Initially texting had character limits which lead to texting shorthand.  This shorthand met it’s hideous zenith in Twitter, 140 characters of which I regularly find incomprehensibly illegible.  I like text shortcuts, but I have my limits.

Now texting has no character limits.  Thus, it is our moral obligation and privilege to reinstate the loveliness of the English Language.  I hereby propose these bylaws.

Texting Expectations

1)  It's "you" not "u".  U sound like a thirteen year old girl. Not ok. (This means U Jim).

2) Digits for numbers are fine, digits for words are NOT fine. B4? Where4 art u? Shoot me. 

 
3) Do not emoticon me.  If you must use a feeling at least use iemoji pictures.  Or better yet, send me a picture of yourself making that emotion.  That's how I picture emoticons anyway.

4) No winky winky. No matter how you mean it when you wink at me I interpret it as you wanting to take the recipient out on a date with kissing.  It weirds me out.

5) Send more real pictures. They are worth a thousand words.

6) I like when you are clever with your initialisms. Lol is boring. TWF (that was funny) takes me a minute to figure out and makes me laugh for real. Lol retired when AOL died.

7) I hate one word text messages. Don't make me unlock my phone for that crap. Send at least two words.

8)  A fair ratio for texting is 3/1.  As in three texts from one person warrants one text from the other.  If you have sent me three texts it is only common courtesy for me to reply with at least one.  Otherwise I am a bad friend.  This goes both ways.  If I text you three times (lucky you!) and you don’t text me back we are automatically in a fight.  Exceptions, see rule 9.

9) A reasonable amount of time for texting response is within 24-36 hours.  After that I think you are dead.  That’s what I like about texting, it isn’t urgent.

10)  Sentence limit shall forthwith be set at 5.  More than that is a paragraph and requires an email.

That is all, for now.  I’m not a stickler on grammar nor punctuation, I let those things slide because texts are conversational and not formal writing.