We Still Out Here

Fam updates:

1.  We have moved from Utah to Texas.  My partner Joules merged his company with one in Dallas and his parents already lived down here.  Our original plan was to move to Southern California where my sisters and D already lives -- we were planning to get two smaller places and switch kids back and forth while Joules and I worked full time -- him in signs and me in massage therapy and teaching full time.  That WAS the plan, until Covid derailed us altogether and CA became the hellscape it apparently is right now.  Fires and everything closed during the pandemic was no time to seek refuge from the economy.  

When Covid shutdowns started the massage industry stopped immediately and teaching became a mess, so I had no way to make money.  Joules was doing fine with his sign business but we both understood quickly we would not be going out and seeing friends and music would be a goner.  I feel Joules had remarkable foresight for what 2020 was going to look like.  His mother prayed us to Dallas where the economy has stayed mostly open, I've been able to work at a great job and Joules' work is ideal.

  We rode the Covid wave hard: sold our house, bought a new one with enough space for our huge crew, and now we're happily living in it and working hard.  One of the reasons I adore Joules so much is because of how he handles really hard work and projects and high stress experiences.  He thrives in them while I    have regular meltdowns.  He doesn't meltdown.  He lived with 9 people for 8 weeks during Covid and had zero meltdowns.  That's how we've been so blessed during Covid: Joules thinks ahead and makes big things happen.  Now with Lenore et al in tow.

But we're the right people for the gig.  While we're large and cumbersome, I feel the kids and I can be assets from time to time!  We are scrappy ourselves and we are all honestly trying to learn and grow and be contributors.  

2. Mimi, Jude and I have both been having our mental health struggles during this process.  We do not talk about these things in public settings, but we do have this to say: speak up when you are struggling.  Vulnerability is the path to healing.  Read some Brene Brown.  

3.  Dx is being consistently inconsistent.  Does not pay nor see children.  Sometimes sends large gifts.  SMH

4. Silas is winning at life.  He has tons of friends, a dog, a generous heart, success in school.  After 6 months of playing video games and having his mom think he's getting dumber, Silas is doing better in school than he ever has before.  Damn it.

5. Philo is a whirlwind.  He could suck the energy out of three adults.  I can hardly handle his energy level and talkativeness.  He is a sweet charming kind clever little buddy and he's everybody's friend.

8. Betty Lou loves to please.  She lives for playing toys and horses.  She loves to swim and make cookies. She's obsessed with the two main men in her life, giving Joules backwalking massages every day after work and chatting non-stop about Daddy.  

So that's our current Covid situation.  Alive and well in Dallas, TX.  Danny planning to move out here very soon.  


Speech on Massage

Graduation Speech June 2019

Greetings, thanks and congratulations to Healing Mountain’s graduating class.  I’m grateful to speak with you tonight, and honored that my classmates support me in being here.

We are here because of compassion, first and foremost. Compassion is synonymous with empathy, or the sympathetic pity for the sufferings of others.  To be compassionate is to understand the nature of pain, both physically and spiritually, and to want to lend your sympathy to help alleviate suffering.  The massage therapists in this room know compassion intimately.  Not a single graduating student here signed up for this school because they thought that it was the pathway to great acclaim and riches.  We signed up, signed on and trudged through this program in order to lend our hand in making people feel better.  We believe in massage as a tool for life improvement and we want other people to benefit from our healing touch.  The real purpose of giving massage is to foster more depth of feeling for one another in order to bring out the love that often lies buried beneath the pain of everyday suffering.  Massage is not just manipulating tissue. It’s connecting with human beings.

  If you’ve entered Healing Mountain, you have felt the energy in the building: the energy is that of healing compassion.  Further, if you’ve had a massage by one of the graduates here, you’ve experienced something beyond the pushing around of muscles.  You’ve been touched by compassion.  We touch people because we want them to feel better.

I do not come from a family of touchers.  We don’t hug. No touching.  In fact, my greater family was fairly horrified that I would be willing to touch strangers and they made it clear that I would NOT be practicing on them.  So when I rerouted my academic teaching career to a physical one it came as a real shock.  When you think about it, touch is really the first sense.  Before sound, before sight, it is the first language and the last.  As we travel through life we are literally desensitized to touch and it is maligned.  Beyond handshaking, Americans are not that much of a touchy group.  We underestimate the power of touch.  In this program I’ve learned that just the smallest resting of a hand on an arm or a well timed hug has the potential to lift us and connect us one to another.  As I have gone through this journey I am amazed to find that I have become a hugger.  Because of this program I have started to hug my parents and siblings, and, more importantly, focused a lot more on touching my own children thereby breaking the cycle of touch terror.  I thought I came to this program to learn how to alleviate other people’s pregnancy pain, but as I went through it I realized that by learning to touch others I was taking steps in my own healing journey as I learned to touch and be touched.

One of the most interesting parts of massage school was getting to know the “Why” behind our massage.  Madison, for example, went through some serious health challenges during which massage was a beacon of relief.  Amanda wanted to learn how to utilize energy to provide a healing balm as she herself healed from some life trauma.  Avery wanted to find peace with her own body and be a guide to others doing the same.  All of the graduates in this room have some version of this story: we came to massage school because we want to pay forward the bodywork and energy work that has healed us in our own lives.  We want to both heal and be healed ourselves through helping others.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a noble pursuit.  

I think the reason Healing Mountain has such great energy and churns out such talented massage therapists is because we are here to help others. It is no surprise that it’s called Healing Mountain, for this was indeed a mountain of a journey.  

I’ve been blessed to travel with the most amusing and inspiring group of individuals and the memories I take with me from this adventure will be the source of many a secret smile for years to come.  I have Amanda and her deeply connected energy work.  I have Olivia’s bottle shaking sketchy sketch.  I have memories of being alarmed by what turned out to be Kayla’s cop car.  I have Janelle bravely not keeling over after a particularly intense massage.  I have Perla’s gorgeous fresh shaved head. I have Marcie’s sweet heart.  I have Melissa’s ears and tail.  I have a thousand gifts from Victoria.  I have Avery’s firm touch and gentle soul. I have chocolates from Brian’s generosity.  I have Lindsay’s stories of her sisters.  I have Annalee raising the bar with studying.  I keep Rhea, Alison and David in my heart.  I have Sam’s musical chairs living adventures.  I have Sonya’s daredevil approach to school work.  I have Abi’s unexpected inappropriate one liners.  I have Cody’s panicked preparations for an herbal wrap. I have Tianna’s magical changing hair. I have Morgan’s sneaky snapchatting.  We have created bonds that will last beyond Healing Mountain.

Together we have climbed and summited Healing Mountain, and our climb is inspiring.  We have pursued and obtained education, conquered challenges, and learned our craft guided by some of the most inspiring educators I’ve ever encountered.  I think what makes these instructors so special is that they believe deeply in the healing energy exchange that takes place during massage.  We’ve been blessed to be on this journey with them.

We have lived in the positive energy of Healing Mountain, and we are now the ambassadors bringing the amazing energy we learned in reiki and chakra balancing paired with extensively well trained hands into the outside world.  Our education at Healing Mountain has re-sensitized us and with our hands, bodies and minds we are to go forth and touch lives with the positive energy that has been entrusted to us by those who came before us.  I’ll leave you with a quote from Mother Teresa, a woman who touched thousands of lives in myriad ways, “Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed nor slow to do the humble work.”  We are blessed to have the tools to help heal.  Now, off you go to go touch some strangers.


Parenting in Mindfulness

There is little more challenging physically, emotionally, and mentally than parenting.  If you are raising children you are in it for the long haul, all day and night for pretty much the rest of your life.
The amounts of responsibility on you shoulders is crushing.  Every day you are tested for endurance, pushed to the limits of your patience, bouncing between resignation and resolve, and plumbing the depths of both pure disgust and pure love.  

I often stop to think "What the hell am I doing?" This is both in the micro whilst unclogging a toilet that I didn't clog and in the macro "What am I  teaching these people and why?"  
When children become sentient (around age 8/9) it's time to start thinking deeply about what the point of parenting really is.  Not only are we keeping the humans we made alive, we are molding people to send out into the world.  We are guaranteed by the state to have 18 years of responsibility for creating the best product we can, the best citizens we can make.  So we need to be proactive about what we're sending out the door (IF they'll leave).  Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what it is you are unconsciously teaching your children?

Parenting Philosophy Questions

1.  What tools do I want these people to have? 
2.  What is a successful life?
3.  What type of people do I want to offer to the world?
4.  What do these kids need to know to have the best chance at life?
5.  How do I set them on a path to best use their time on earth?

Generally we just auto-pilot these questions.  We figure that we are pretty decent people and that society and religion will fill in the gaps of whatever our kids need.

But you've perhaps noticed that life doesn't come very easily to me and that I  have had to find extra tools to make things function.  But with lots of problems comes lots of opportunity to look for extra help, and with being kicked to the ground a lot comes a lot of humble searching for satisfying functional answers.

It was at the way-too-old age of about 35 that I was given the tools of mindfulness, as outlined in the post before this one.  As I've learned about mindfulness and all things related thereunto my children are being exposed to the information as well.  If I  had had these tools as a child I  feel I would have developed some skills that would have put me ahead in the journey toward peace and an overall feeling of success and wellbeing.  This post is focused on the question beneath those five questions: how do I teach my children how to manage the big hard scary world?  What tools can I give them that they can count on?  I think mindfulness is a catch-all support tool for whatever religious practice you've chosen for your family.

How does one parent mindfully?

1.  Exposure 

My first goal in educating my children is exposure to a variety of cultures and lifestyles.  From our foundation they are exposed to LDS culture which brings a lot of great values such as a focus on the family, service, and the example of Christ.  Also from our family my children are exposed to Gay families with same-sex parents.  While these things seem to be in conflict, my family has found a way to harmonize them in an inclusive manner that is nothing short of inspiring.  Another value from my larger family is travel which is education come alive.  When I travel with my kids (both inside and outside the country) we visit cathedrals and temples, palaces and huts.  There is not one way to live to be happy.  There are a lot of ways.  Children need to see people happily functioning in whatever culture they are part of so that they know diversity is strength and everybody has access to greater truths.

2.  Three Mindful Breaths

Another mindful parenting tool that I  use on a daily basis is meditation, mantras and three mindful breaths.  Most children don't know how to meditate so guided meditation is a great tool to start focusing on the breath and teaching mindfulness.
As mentioned before, the Calm App is one way that we bring mindfulness into the home. Hush originally downloaded this app as a sleep help for LouLou but has himself since spent hours and years invested in the guided meditations therein.  The children have seen both of us at our homes engaged in meditation for 10-15 minutes a time, nearly every day.  I play the Calm app during nap time and Lou has gotten so used to it that she requests it before she sleeps.  It's soothing and educational and inspiring.  When I was in Paris with the big three everybody was melting down and exhausted.  I had all the children lay down and put on a meditation and they were out within minutes.  If your kids are bouncing off the walls try having them sit down and listen to the calm app.

Further on meditation, Thich Nhat Hanh's book Peace is Every Step provides an excellent explanation for how to meditate.  It's so simple and accessible to even the most novice and for children.  The idea is that three mindful breaths change your brain chemistry sufficient to reprogram how you respond to the world.  Utilizing three mindful breaths changes REACTION to a conflict/problem/annoyance/problem person into a RESPONSE.  Before you react on impulse you take three mindful breaths which connect brain with the body.  

I am a firm believe in the concept "The Breath."  Breathing is something we do unconsciously, but it is the easiest available way to reconnect you with the present.  
I am also a firm believer in "The Present."  I think Buddha but I know the guru in Kung Fu Panda said "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift.  That's why they call it the present."   The present is where we live our lives.  Each moment, right here, right now.  That's what we have.  Teaching kids to reset and live right now in the present is a tool for freedom.
Now, I know you guys aren't going to jump on the App store and download the App just because I    told you it is the cornerstone of my family's practice in peace, nor are you going to hustle out and buy Peace is Every Step.  So I've started making excerpt videos for my friends who ask me how to teach children meditation. I've just made a few, but every time I find a piece of Mindfulness instruction that my children have heard and that has helped me in raising them I am going to record videos reading and providing some commentary and application and post them to YouTube.  The intention is that you listen to them with your kids in order to give them these tools of breathing, staying present, letting go of what's already happened, and soothing anxiety about the future.
Here's the first video.  Listen to it with your kids.  LMK if it's something you can dig.
If you want to subscribe here is the YouTube channel I'll be uploading these little videos to.

Intro to Meditation:
Watch this with your kids.

How to Fight:
Pause.  Do nothing when you are not calm.  Watch this when you want to kill somebody.

 3.  The Present

A major part of my life philosophy comes from Wayne's World.  "Live in the now."

 This one is particularly interesting for children because it allows for imperfections.  Children and adults screw up all the time.  We do dumb mean stuff some times.  We act unconsciously and impulsively.  But those moments do not define us.  Part of being in a family means forgiving, forgetting and moving on.  Being in the Present means that you are making a conscious decision to "be excellent to each other."  Wayne's World AND Bill and Ted are heavy influences in my parenting.
To live in the present means that even if you're having a meltdown you can be aware of that meltdown.  Being in the present means being awake and conscious of what you're doing and saying so that you can decide whether that is really what you want to do and say.  Being in the present is being Mindful of your words and behaviors.
My kids get in little tiffs all the time.  They speak rudely.  They react on impulse.  But they also have some unique tools like mantras and reminders or "bells of mindfulness."  Around our home and on our bodies we have little reminders that we can live right now in the present moment, that we can breathe and reconnect with the present.  This is also part of Thich Nhat Hanh's philosophy and he provides this mantra which we use along with three mindful breaths:

Breathing in, I calm my body
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know that this is a wonderful moment!

This little mantra has had so much power in my family.  A few weeks ago Mimi took a huge chunk of flesh out of her shin and we rushed her to the hospital for stitches.  She could see what they were doing as they stitched her up and it was enough to make any kid fall apart in hysterics, which is what happened initially.  She's strong enough that she could make getting stitches an impossibility.  As she panicked she remembered the mantra and began chanting it to herself audibly.  I'll never forget her saying in a pinched voice "Breathing in I    calm my body, breathing out I    smile" to self sooth and the look on the doctor's face as this pre-teen was able to go totally Zen and sit tight while he stitched her up.  A simple tool, employed during crisis.  An internalized mantra that she owns and can use whenever she needs that empowers her to go inside to calm herself.  Remarkable.  Could she have prayed for help?  Yes, and we did.  But she decided to use her own power to plug into her own strength inside.  

4. Letting Go

Another bit of Mindfulness practice that has helped my family immeasurably is just simply Letting Go.  This is obviously very related to living in the present.  Bad things happen.  People make bad choices.  We have strong feelings.  But all of those things happen in their own moments and, chances are, they aren't happening right now in this moment and they won't be happening in the next moment or the next.  You can simply let those feelings and experiences go.
I was inadvertently taught this concept by my older sister who, having a hard and angry day one day woke up the next day totally peaceful and normal.  Upon being asked what the deal was she simply said "Those were yesterday's feelings."

This is one that is particularly near and dear to my heart because it is how we "practice."  When you are living Buddhist Principles you are considered to be "practicing" because that is really what we're trying to do: trying to practice the theories and manage suffering.
When I am about to meltdown (95% of the time, honestly) one of my kids will invariably tell me to "Let it go."  When I'm about to punish Si for talking to strangers on Fortnite he will tell me to "Live in the present, that happened a minute ago."  It totally takes the wind out of negative parenting tropes.  I  just say "don't do that, here's why.  If you do it again here are the consequences you're choosing" but it removes the emotion and drama from almost all parenting.
I get angry, I breathe.
I get bogged down in annoyances, I try to let them go as soon as I'm aware of them.

Think of the benefits for children if they really embrace and internalize this concept.  They can forgive themselves immediately.  They are free to do something different in the very next second.  They can change their behavior without shame and guilt.  They can be in a constant state of learning and improving.  They can experience their siblings in the present and as other people learning.

The drawback thus far has been only one: they know full well that every moment, every step is another opportunity to do the right thing, to try again, to improve and make peace.  But the world they live in tells them differently, so they have to let that go.
Nevertheless, the children have a particular pain body that they carry with regards to their birth father.  They know that he could pick up the phone and talk to them and they are ready and able to be in the present and let go every other day this year that he hasn't interacted with them.  They are ready to forgive and let go, but they don't understand how he and by extension the rest of his family doesn't wake up every day ready to do better and actually be involved in their lives.  Jude knows his dad has never once come to his baseball games.  Mimi knows he's never seen her dance.  Silas knows he didn't invite them to his wedding and that he hasn't seen them even one time this year.
They all know every single day could be a new day where he chooses to be involved in their lives or at the very least pay the child support in full.  But that day hasn't happened and at the end of the day they have to let go that hope over and over again.  I can't relate but I sure do carry the pain, and it is hard for me to let go.  Every day they get older.  Every day he pretends they don't exist.  Every day it hurts.  But it is somewhat because of that inexplicable and indefensible position ("I will wake up today and pretend I don't have children, I will continue to espouse whatever excuse I've made to not see them") that the children and I have turned to Mindfulness.  We have to function and live with the knowledge that children I had with Dax will be punished by his ambivalence every single day.  We have to be over it and function, but our hope that he will reengage with them and participate in the lives of these kickass little people will not die.  That requires some serious Zen.

 The children's and my path has led us to find the glory and peace in the present.  We know suffering, just as you know suffering in whatever form it manifests in your life.  One of the Four Noble Truths from Buddhism is that life is suffering.  I    believe strongly that Mindfulness and accessing the Present moment through breathing and meditation will be a useful tool for my children to navigate their lives.  I     don't know yet how I  define a successful life, I     don't know


Get Your Act Together: How I Avoid the Abyss

The most common observation I received this summer was “You have a lot on your plate” and "I don't know how you do it." What, fly with five children by myself?  Got it. Get everybody everywhere?  Trying.  Turn my van into a home on wheels?  Worked.  Run a summer camp?  Yes.  Backpacking with toddlers?  Sure.  Five kids at a theme park?  Let's do it.  These things aren't easy, but we are doing them regardless.  And I'm still standing.

 Yes, I have a lot of stressors. We all do. My chemical makeup includes a hefty helping of rage brought on by lack of sleep.  Pair that with heavy responsibility and non-stop chaos and you've got a recipe for short circuiting.

Does everything about this make me look crazy?

I have a lot of things I’m apparently still, though pushing 40 with a short stick, I'm learning how to manage.  My particular stressors are:
  1. Managing five children by (mostly) myself
  2. Without support in any form from one ex-father
  3. Which lends itself to unstable or dependent finances 
  4. which leads to feeling either like a burden on sponsors or a less capable single mother who hasn’t effectively picked up the pieces and found a good way to support my own family
  5. which lowers confidence in that area 
  6. And harbors major resentments
  7. and feelings of less-than or special case status
  8. Oh, and occasional chemical imbalances.
Those are the underlying stressors, here are the regular ones we all may experience:
  1. Toddlers.
  2. Challenging intimate relationships 
  3. Challenging interfaces with friends/ex's/boyfriends
  4. Worrying about screwing up my kids
  5. Complicated feelings about religion
  6. An 11 year old girl ch-ch-ch-changing
  7. Two boys with underlying father issues
  8. And Trump.

I’m sure your list, if you itemized it, is just as long.
My list of blessings is much longer than my list of stressors. I am blessed beyond measure.

But right now, I am learning to manage my stressors.  Speaking from the position of someone who has been in and out of therapy since my twenties to deal with these issues, and someone raised with an excellent parentage and family, and incredible higher education, and all the privileges afforded me as a white female, AND someone given all the life tools inherent in religion, I still felt like I was barely scraping by for years.  Regardless of your background, do you feel the same way? Life is hard and it seems so much easier for everybody else?

I needed something more. 

"Often [crisis or mental illness or divorce or major change] can be a precursor to a new kind of perspective . . . particularly if you've been in a position of privilege and none of those things seem to work for you, you start to question, well what is it then?  This game that I'm playing?  Why is it that I was so willing to ascribe to this belief system?" The tools I was given aren't resulting in a managed life.  I needed more help.

And so I started on a quest for peace. With the aid of Hush, who remarkably aspires to personal betterment daily, I began a "managing life" pathway.  Obviously, I am far FAR from effectively using these tools all the time. I fail constantly. I am frequently tempted to scream in people's faces and then burst into tears.  But putting energy into educating myself on the following path has kept me from the abyss.

I am of the mind that "Self Help" books are lame.  Perhaps this list will seem to you Self Help New Age garbage.  I hate the book covers and the music, but I believe they are packaged that way because Mindfulness doesn't have its own section at the nearly extinct Barnes and Noble.  I've made a public Amazon List with texts I've found useful; I typically listen to these books and my children do too by default.  More on the effects on my children later.  Hold judgment until you read some of these books.  They're about leveling up and figuring out the path to peace.

If the abyss of fear, rage, and despair is threatening to consume, start here:

1:   My first step on this path was finding Michael Singer’s book “The Untethered Soul.”  This book is a breath of fresh air. I wish it was the first book I’d read so that my paradigm for interpreting the world, right or wrong, good and bad, was filtered through this first.  The great majority of us are raised in particular worldviews that effect every single choice we make and how we value ourselves in relationship to that worldview.  Such an external barometer can make us feel alternatively successful and like complete failures.  We inherit the program that works for our progenitors, and, if employed, can lead to peace and success. I laud those who find that their initial programmed worldview is the right and true one, requiring no major supplements. But, when life goes off script, sometimes you need a bit of extra perspective. Enter “Untethered Soul.”  This book is not contrary to any religion, it is a tutorial on how to view your relationship with the ego and the self. Religion and relationships can be hard on egos and the self. This helped me a ton. But it is just the entry point.

The video below is the author Michael Singer talking to Oprah.  There are some versions of the audiobook on YouTube, but the Audible version or a hardcopy I think are preferable.

2:  Having let that book simmer, I then was passed Thich Nhat Hanh’s seminal text “Peace is Every Step” (pronounced teek not han). Why isn’t this part of standardized education? This book functions more like a manual. Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk whose voice lead the counter movement to the silly Vietnam War. It functions for me as a fear, rage, despair neutralizer. It teaches the tools of meditation and mindfulness. I’d put Hanh up there as one of the leaders of the mindfulness movement that I’m sure you’ve heard about.  Of course, I was taught through our cultural milieu to degrade these types of practices (meditation, mindfulness, recentering, the chi) as New Age bullshit. In reality, they are both supplemental and foundational to discovering how to find peace and how to use the breath to fill that hole inside us, the void of which we typically fill with social media, texting, tv, books, anything external so that we don’t have to be by ourselves. Doing nothing. When was the last time you did absolutely nothing but breathe? Can you even do that — absent of thought — for more than 10 seconds? 
Peace is Every Step was my intro to Hanh, but as I've continued my study I discovered "True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart."  I suggest starting with True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh because it is simple, starts quickly, easily applicable, and profound.  

Start at 14:35, after the intro.

3:   Which leads me to the Calm app. I believe in guided meditation because the research behind it shows mindfulness meditation switches your brain from one part to another. Scientific studies show that “as the popularity of mindfulness grows, brain imaging techniques are revealing that this ancient practice can profoundly change the way different regions of the brain communicate with each other – and therefore how we think – permanently.”  I use mindfulness in the classroom when I’m teaching. I consider the 5-10 minutes of breathing meditation to be necessary to transition (I was teaching middle schoolers) from the outside world to the academic environment.  I use this app to meditate every day. I do the breathing exercises and put in the ten minutes of trying to completely clear my brain of thoughts. Download the Calm app.  More on how this app has changed my family dynamic in a later post.

4:  I’d dipped my toes in Buddhist meditation practice with Thich Nhat Hanh, then I leveled up.  Eckert Tolle’s “A New Earth” was the next mind blowing text that fell into my head.  At first, everything about this book irritated me. His voice is weird. It’s dense shit. It seemed more theoretical than practical. But I pushed onward and I am so glad that I did.  Eckert Tolle was a regular dude who, at one point, decided life was pointless and he felt so ambivalent about it he planned to kill himself.  Ever hit that depth? I have. Caused by chemicals or life overwhelming, I have touched that darkness. (And btw, if you do too and we know each other even vaguely, hit me up shame and fear free. I have been there.)  Anyway, Tolle’s touching that depth led him on a journey from which we can all benefit deeply.  His analysis of the world as it is rings deeply truthful, and his solution to the darkness is profound. Spoiler, as with all the other books, the solution is going inward to find peace.

5:  Having delved deeply into these texts, I went looking for other people who had experienced them too.  Here is where I found one of my favorite gurus Russell Brand.   Brand, a recovering addict, traveled with his addictions to great heights of money and fame. But it didn’t work. You know what I mean? Your life is a success by all accounts and yet still, inside you, there is that hole of fear, anger or despair? Contentment is fleeting? Brand’s work starts at the angle of rethinking addiction and the war on drugs, from which point he found all of these building blocks to filling the void within.  He’s a madman still and he is doing the good work. He’s the guy making sense of this post-truth world. I highly recommend his book Recovery.  Cheers to him for creating a universal program through which we all can manage our negative impulses to shout, shop, text, eat, check our phones at stoplights, scroll, mindlessly take our adderal, opiates and ambien, all of it. Spoiler: peace is within.
If you have five minutes watch this video of Brand (on his YouTube channel the Trews) analyzing the emergent awareness of Kanye West.  Also, I am mildly in love with Russell Brand and could listen to him all day long.  Remarkable human.

6:  My mind was next blown by Joseph Campbell. I am still caught up in the brilliance of this guy’s work, though dead in 1987.  Thanks to the Hippie for this intro. As I traveled reluctantly into the post-Mormon world I became fearful that I would alienate my family. I did not want to do that. I love and respect my family, I did not want to find myself permanently on the outside looking in at the Church and it’s influence on my family’s culture.  It hurt. My dear friends and I, and apparently a giant movement of members who learn something that seriously rocks their faith, have been struggling and hurting. We want the Church and our families and we need to find a way to make peace with it.  We want to be with our community but going back would require a completely different mental approach.  I think Joseph Campbell might be the door back in. I’m not sure yet.  I’m currently making my way through his series of interviews with Bill Moyer which were aired in the mid 1980’s and are now available on Netflix.  His life work has been dedicated to figuring out how cultures around the world understand God.  I trust his guile-free, searching, sincere, inclusive research and conclusions.  As far as I can tell this far, he knows where Nirvana and the Kingdom of God is. And his conclusions might be the key to reconciliation between mindfulness, Mormonism, God, Buddhism, Gaia and inner peace.

I’ve been moderately absent from blogging because of my chaos and confusion, and because of the void.  I felt sad and stupid that I couldn't keep up with my family in so many ways; I was ashamed to look outside of my religion for a more helpful way.  But my life is different because, I guess, I am a little bit different.  What had happened in your life by the time you were mid thirties?  Did anything force you to deep vulnerability?
To write about ones life requires a great deal of vulnerability and exposure, and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Brene Brown here. I have shared my journey and made myself vulnerable to you: my readers, my friends, my family in order to share what light and goodness I can find, hoping it might light another's path or keep them from despair.  I do not deign to think my pathway is better than yours, nor that I am in any way superior or wiser. My life experience, however, has forced me to find some extra tools to manage the really hard parts. I am so very grateful for the people who have offered guidance, help, support, understanding, patience, love and forgiveness along the way.

I’ve been on a journey of, for lack of a better phrase, educated enlightenment and emerged just as flawed on the other side but now buoyed up with tools that work to keep the wolves at bay.  I am trying (and often failing) to employ them.

 I want you to have those tools too, if you want them.


All about that Acroyoga

My fam has always been doing Acroyoga, we just didn’t know it.

One of the ways I bond and play with my children is getting down on the floor and letting them crawl all over me. I’m an active mother and I like to do jobs so I often feel too busy to play. I get them on an activity so I can get a few things done while they’re occupied.  To counteract that we established Wrestle Night. Sometimes we wrestle but most times we dance or give airplane rides and do leg wrestling. When the eldest was about three I invented whaf basically amounted to a Mama Amusement Park where they’d put “money” in my mouth and I’d prop them up on my hands or legs and give them rides. 

We recently hit my dear friend Ali Sumison to snap some shots of us tossing each other around.  

Only recently did I discover a community of adults playing and exercising in this way: Acroyoga.  They bumped my glorified airplane rides up to what basically amounted to art.  The poses are beautifully artfully balanced.   Often they are temporary — a few seconds of perfect graceful prettiness flanked by motion and chaos.  

I began to look at the partner yoga poses as temporarily physical art installations.  Doing them takes planning and communication and trial and error. They take strength and endurance.  They’re hard but they’re fun. They’re beautiful but they often collapse in pain and giggles.  And for me, they feel a lot like my family.  We are all of those things.  We are a team, we’re messy and beautiful. We get through pain, we try new things, we have moments of perfection.  We are creative and we are physical.  Our life as a family is our finest work of art: temporary beautiful moments supporting each other. 

I think we’ve found our medium.


Mimi's KSL Studio 5 Feature

Last fall Mimi was featured on the KSL morning show Studio 5 for her cooking hobby and I neglected to post it.  Here's the video of my capable pretty girl!



Mimi and I went with our Girl Scout Troop to tour the local news and radio station during the Spring.  While there we were invited into the studio where the morning show is filmed.  There's an entire faux kitchen used for filming cooking segments and when Mimi saw that she got stars in her eyes.
"It's a kitchen like Martha's!!  Can I cook here? Will you ask somebody?"  So I asked.  I sent an email to whomever I could find associated with the show and told them a little bit about Mimi.  They loved the story and came to our house to film her in action.  She was super nervous!
The feature went up on Studio 5 and one of Mimi's teachers saw it and wrote about it for the district website. The school district featured her on their website which led to a front page article in the local city mailer.  It was fun to see the little feature progress. We're super proud of little Mims, 10 year old aspiring chef.


Slash Dad Kintsugi: To repair with gold.

How many dads does it take to replace one “real” dad?  How deep is that hole in a boy’s heart whose dad inexplicably forgets he exists?
Yesterday was my son’s 8th birthday. In keeping with an 8 year tradition, there was not one acknowledgement from his birth father.  However, on that day two dads stepped in and filled the Dad shaped hole in his heart.  One FaceTimed in as a sweet and authentic mimic of what his real life divorced dad should do.  The other made a Dad style birthday party for him, complete with freshly storebought cake and bowls for plates. Silas had a dad yesterday. His slash dads stepped in and made that boy know he counts.

It was Silas, actually, who came up with the concept. We needed a fill-in Dad to help with Christmas Eve and do the iconic “Night Before Christmas” reading that the dad always gets to do in pictures of Norman Rockwell style Christmas. In his glasses, with a mug, and in slippers (pink sparkly ones!) One of my oldest friends was in the area and I hit him up to play Dad. Silas said he’s our friend but also like our dad when we need him to be. He’s our friend slash Dad.  

My grinch heart grew three sizes that day. He’s right! We do have DAD. We have dads who love us when they really don’t HAVE to.  We have a dad to take us skiing, we have a dad to let us eat junk food, we have a dad to make sure the broken door is fixed, we have a Dad who makes sure we have a roof over our head, we have dads who reassemble furniture, we have a dad who will baptize Silas when he wants to be baptized, we even had a dad (my brother) who explained that boys can pee standing up. We are a village of Dads, any time. We are blessed by an army of Slash Dads who are rooting for and helping toward our success. God bless them in their selfless regard for my children. 

Thus, public acknowledgement and expressions of gratitude need highlight these unseen dads who keep my boys feeling like somebody sees them and my girl off the pole. Thank you to my Slash Dad Team. 

Thanks to the consistent men in my life — when you’ve arrived you’ve stayed and you’re the only way we will make the transition from the perilous “I didn’t know my real dad should have been doing more than paying and seeing us twice a year.” to the whole and healed “My real Dad didn’t ever see me play football but my slash dads did and my real dad never saw my ballet performance but my slash Dads, they were there for me every single time.” They’ve come into our lives in different ways and for different reasons and they love and care for my children independently of (and perhaps inspite of) me. Imagine what Mimi’s crowd going down the aisle is going to look like. The men who are helping raise them will support them forever.  Oh, and if any one hurts them they will amasse guns and shovels and take care of the problem.  We are fortified with Dads.

She is reminded of that every time she sees one Slash Dad’s tattoo of five bars: one representing her. If Jude doesn’t have a mother who can consult on football paraphernalia he has a Slash Dad who will be honored to do so.  He knows what a first down is.  Silas will know Star Wars culture because of his Slash Dad.  One Slash Dad even came to Jude’s birthday party dressed as a Jedi Teacher AND DarthVader to instruct on Jedi mind tricks. Our Slash Dads go above and beyond. 

 And so, through the Slash Dads we also find acceptance and love for the birth dad. He is doing the best he can too and we accept the love he is able to give in whatever fashion. He gave them a trip to Park City and a Nintendo. We love him for playing a Slash Dad role too. That’s ok.
There is a tradition in Japanese art called Kintsugi which means to “repair with gold.” The idea is broken pottery is repaired with golden glue to make something the more beautiful for its broken pieces. My children’s and my heart (mostly mine now, but possibly theirs in the future) are broken and filled with the strongest most beautiful gold. We are completed with you kind hearted men who have pulled the cart with me.

So if you see my man friends and exes at a game or at parties know they are filling a family’s heart, on call, at the drop of a hat.  Thank you for filling in the Dad shaped gap. You are loved and you are part of our family.

There are so many chances for men to be good men.  These men are there for us all the time.  All you have to do is give them the opportunity to be there for you and they will.  Thanks, Dads.