Going Dark

This is a very tumultuous time in our familial life.  We have so many unanswered questions and the path seems very fuzzy.

Will I decide to go to law school?

Will we continue to go to church without a daddy?

Will Silas stop saying “poophead”?

Will I find peace and resolution about Some Guy?

Or will he decide to move here full time and be a family with us?

Will he reconcile with his first wife?

Will Jude remain stormy?

Will I ever believe in love again?

Will we move to wherever law school might be?

Will the children see more of their father?

Will Houdini return to his faith?

Will I ever be able to drive Highway 24 without thinking about Nate’s death?

Will Houdini continue on his destructive life path?

Will I ever have more babies?

Will Mimi get a role in the play she’s auditioning for?

Will we be an eternal family with a dad, ever?

Will I ever be able to forgive them?

Will Sacrament Meeting ever become more manageable?

Will Stamos ever call?

Will we accomplish our goals?

Will my hair stay pink?

Will Friday afternoons ever get easier?

Will we be okay?

This blog will soon be going dark.
I am about to submit my applications to law schools and I don’t need this blog out there as part of my Google search.  Once I hear responses, and it is appropriate, I will resume blogging.
I love blogging.  I love writing, I love sharing pictures of my children, I love having a record of our comings and goings.  I love looking back at the things I was thinking about and I love being reminded of how and why I am where I am in life.  It’s about as narcissistic as a journal for me and more productive.  If I make public my thoughts and feelings I am more likely to have a positive attitude.  I’ve loved your comments and your readership (1200+ daily!!). 
My blog has been an adventure providing everything from logged accounts of my efforts and my failures, our successes and our hopes and dreams being dashed to smithereens.  I’ve been able to explain myself – my interests, my hair, my faith, my parenting, my choices – and I’ve felt more validated in doing so.  When I’ve been at the very lowest points and at my highest, they’re all chronicled here.  Because I blog I have challenged my fears of being judged and evaluated, and become stronger.  Major life changes have not been hidden.  I’ve made choices about how and when to share information.  I’ve tried to publish peace and hope, even while I’ve been struggling beyond what I could have imagined when I started writing this five years ago.  I’ve made some mistakes, but I’ve done the best that I can.
Now it’s time to go incognito. 
I will not be posting so you won’t be missing out on anything.  Don’t be offended when you see “You are not invited to read this blog” as I will have no invited readers. 
If you would like to be notified when the next chapter of this blog continues please leave your email in the comments, send me an email (), or let me know on Facebook.  Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind, please use your crystal ball and let me know what the answers are to any and all of the above questions.
See you on the flip side.  Wish me luck.  Here goes nothing.

Miss Me?

Hi.

Too busy to get my roots done. 

Things I’ve Been Up To These Days

1)  working on law school applications which means

- contacting professors from 10 years ago asking for recommendations (BA UCLA 2003, MA Univ of London 2007)

- filling out a ton of paperwork (thank goodness it’s all online)

- requesting transcripts from myriad schools

- writing a personal statement that stresses me out beyond belief

- setting up interviews

- mailing stuff places that includes visiting Kinkos (fellow mothers, feel sorry for me)

- locating college essays

- revisiting the old trusty resume

- going to law school “fairs” like this one in SF:

This hardly qualifies as a “fair”.  No rides, no cotton candy?  Not a fair.

2)  helping Pam out with musical theater projects  (The Little Mermaid opens next weekend!!)

- brushing up choreography

- making Jellyfish costumes with glue gun

3)  voting

- winning at voting

- being highly amused at the anger Obama (and I) winning stirs up

Are you going to stop reading me now because I voted Obama?  You need to be more accepting. ;)

4)  eating Halloween candy

-  throwing away wrappers all over the house

- negotiating real food for the children who sneak candy

I don’t have any pictures of candy.  You know what candy looks like.

5)  obtaining bookshelf

-  go to stupid Ikea

-  heft that thing in and out of my car

- put together (much more difficult than anticipated, and I have plenty of Ikea experience, to my chagrin

I kind of want this, but not really.

6)  Potty training my baby Silas

-  Lots of time at home running to and from the potty

-  talking about potty

-  potty potty potty

-  Attempting to cut out Silas’ naughty talk.  He calls everybody “Poophead” like it is a term of endearment.  It’s not even rude and he’s so casual about it.  “Bye, Poophead.”  “I yuv you too, Poophead.”  He’s so sweet about it.  He also says, “I hate this.”  But more like “haIT” in a sing-song voice. 

7)  Teaching Mimi a little thing called Honesty.

-  We had an incident at school involving Littlest Pet Shops.  I will not recount, out of respect for the Mimi and her sticky fingers.

8)  Preparing Mimi for her first audition

-  Mimi is trying out for a local semi-pro production of ‘The Sound of Music”, just for fun.  She had a singing lesson with Auntie Aubrey. 

9)  Cuddling with Jude after the other kids fall asleep

- Cubby waits until it’s quiet and then comes and spends quality time with me

10)  Meeting up with friends old and new

-  This is fun.  I am enjoying making some new friends, but discovering that it’s rather difficult.

11)  Attempting to keep my house clean, laundry done.  Ha ha yeah right.

12)  Catching up on my Hulu

Silas has started preschool.  It’s his favorite thing in the WHOLE WORLD.  He’s been waiting his whole life for this. 

13)  Attempting to decide if I really am ready to commit to law school.  I am nervous.

Shopping for house stuff.  I took the above picture.  That chair is currently on sale at Home Goods down the street from me.  What on earth is it’s purpose?

14) Group texting my sisters all day long.  It’s like an all-day comedy routine.

15)  Subbing over at the local prep school.  SO MUCH FUN.  I love being there.

16) Secretly envying everybody who is having babies.  Grr.  I hate when I feel baby envy. 

By the way, I am somewhat tempted to turn off my blog while I’m waiting for school results.  I don’t need people Googling me while I’m trying to get into schools. 

Sorry this post isn’t well thought-out and up to snuff.  My brain is on overload temporarily.  Boo, even the format is a fail.  I’ll get back on the nearly-daily wagon posting once apps are in.

Being busy makes me feel horrifically content.

Just Being Friendly

I’m working on expanding my Friend network via social media.  I don’t necessarily need new friends right now, I just thought I might put myself out there as a possible friend to someone (John Stamos)who might like to have a really really great friend.  I’m friendly. 

Here’s how I’m working on expanding my friend network (to plus one: Stamos).

Like the rest of the masses I joined Twitter months or years ago.  I wasn’t really into it.  Mostly I didn’t understand the format.  I follow people (John Stamos), got that part.  Then when I want to write something about what the people I follow (Stamos) said it comes up as my status?  Maybe I don’t want anybody (Stamos) to know that the sole reason I signed up for Twitter was so that I could get in touch with, you know, people (John Stamos).  Would it be weird if ALL of my tweets use the little @ sign (@JohnStamos)?

This is just an example of a possible “tweet” one might write. 

I’m also doing Instagram.  Val mentioned that you could follow people you don’t officially know (Stamos) on Instagram.  I did some scavenging around.  I found a few people I don’t know, but no one, you know, worth knowing (John Stamos).  I guess I’ll follow a few celebrities, just for fun you know?  Zac Efron will do (poor Stamos substitute).

Just an example of a possible Instagram search for things you’re interested in that have been #hashtagged.

Then I thought, hey, well, maybe I could just add some new Facebook friends (Stamos).  But I guess I’m not spelling people’s names correctly (Stamotopoulos) or maybe they use an alias (Uncle Jesse)?  Either way all I can dig up is silly Pages to follow and they always ask me if I want to “Like” the page (yes, I do like John Stamos).   Perhaps I should look through my friend’s friend lists to see if we (Stamos and I) might have some common friends that maybe I should add (for the sole purpose of getting to Stamos).

This is an example of a “Page” that people “Like”.  There is no “Love” option.

Social media is all about making friends and connecting with people who have things in common with you (Stamos likes Stamos, and so do I).  So it’s not weird at all to spend unusual amounts of time looking for new friends and who knows?  Maybe even relatives (Uncle Jesse)?

Oh, by the way.  Are any of you familiar with that old show Full House?  There’s this one character on it that I thought was super cool and had great hair, but I can’t remember his name.  Have mercy on me and let me know what he’s been working on and you know, where he’s ended up making a home for himself?  I just want to know he’s settled and happy.  Just the town and street is fine, I’ll find the right house.

 

PS, Just kidding.  I’m not really stalking you for real, esteemed Mr.  Stamos.

Halloween Pictorial

Just a photo dump of all the glorious adorableness that was Halloween 2012.  Photos stolen from the fantastic blogs of  the fabulous Bronwyn and Celia.  Yes, Bronwyn’s party was Edgar Allen Poe themed and YES I pretended it was just for me. Also she is a contributor for Lucky Magazine now, so GO BRONWYN!
Do not anticipate a wildly amusing post here.  Just documenting my lovelies.

Mimi and Cubby.  Love that Mimi committed to her skunk poopin’ stink pose.  It began to offend her that every time she walked up people said “You stink!” so she wisely doused herself in my perfume before we went anywhere.

Her face!

I went as a Voodoo doll.  I usually go as something more fun and silly, but this is fitting with my feelings these days.  Human pin cushion.  Morbid!

Silas, Mimi, Jude.  Thank goodness I got at least one really cute shot of Cubby.

Mimsis in her first Halloween Costume Parade with her buddy/escort.  She was so thrilled to be in the show. 
Is it obvious that I’m kind of obsessed with Mimi right now?  She was the life of the party during Halloween.  Mimi put together her own costume, was ready for any event in a second and was fun and happy the whole week.  School is really agreeing with my little Bubba.  She feels empowered and busy and happy nearly all the time.

Ellie the Flamingo, my mother the Gecko, and me – Voodoo Doll.  Did you know Ellie’s and my kids go to the same Elementary School?  And the same preschool?  I LOVE IT.

Rocking the donut on a string with her Kindergarten class.  All the other little girls were Princesses.  My little sweetheart was an adorable skunk and she felt awesome about it.  I love that my girl would rather be funny than pretty.  It makes me feel like I’ve done something right.


Testing out my wigs. 

Finally, at the very last second before the main event Mimi lost her Skunk costume.  It was nowhere to be found.  She instantly threw together this princess number and rolled with it.  Batman Silas was the happiest trick-or-treater running around the neighborhood.  I love that first year that they understand the knock-on-doors-get-candy arrangement. 
 
Some of the take.  We had to return to empty our too-full buckets once.  The rule in my house about candy is THERE AINT NO RULES!  Live it up kiddos. 
Note.  Where was Houdini?  Houdini had been coming around more and seeing the children more, though never by himself.  He was sober for about a month after his surgery.  But then all of the sudden he vanished, again (hence the nickname Houdini.)  He first said he was off buying a car somewhere, then it was he was seeking medical attention for an ear problem, then it was just defensiveness and blame.  He was unreachable.  A few days before Halloween Jude Jude was having breathing problems that required an ER visit.  He has seasonal asthma and it gets aggravated by colds.  It can be very scary.  I tried to get in touch with Houdini to come to the hospital for Jude (which, by the way, is paid for by Some Guy’s health insurance for which we are very grateful because their father doesn’t care to keep them insured), but Houdini was unreachable.  I finally figured out where he was from a third party.  Thailand on vacation.  Or maybe one of his grandparents “died” again.  He missed all of these events by his own free will and choice.  Sadly, the children are accustomed to his prolonged absences.  Sometimes I feel like covering for Houdini, other times I just don’t feel like enabling his deceit and denial.  His poor girlfriends.  If only they knew.  Sometimes they find out and nothing adds up and they get hurt.  I feel sorry for them.  And that is that.  How do we feel about him?  Eternally brokenhearted and disappointed, but also a lot of other things. I hate Satan, the end.
    
Si on the way home from church.  Get your chocolate eating together, boy.

Cousin and neighbors at the trunk or treat.  One of the few Jude pics I have because he was too busy having fun.

Little Silas going to preschool.  He is working his way into a regular schedule over there.  He feels ready to go all the time, I do not feel ready for that.  His speech is coming along mas rapido and I think he’s easy to understand 75% of the time.  He is currently 2 years 10 months, but tall.
 
Annnnnnd my favorite picture from Halloween.  This is my dad.  What, your attorney father doesn’t wear frog-king costumes? 

I Am Trying to Love Right Now

"You are the trip I did not take, you are the pearls I cannot buy, you are my blue Italian Lake, you are my piece of foreign sky."
You are my Mimi, Jude and Si.

If You are Looking for Me

I will be at home on my couch eating frosting with my fingers accompanied by some cats.

Trading on Your Cool

A few years ago my friend and I went to a stand-up show.  It was amateur night and we knew one of the people in the show.  When the girl got up to do her bit we were taken aback.  It was really good!  She was super funny! 

And she was repeating back verbatim something I had said to her three weeks before.

Wha-what?

So let me get this straight.  You’re going to be my friend, rip me off, and then pass my material off as your own?!

This, my friends, is one aspect of what I like to call “Trading on my Cool”.  Or, more academically, pilfering someone else’s Individual Cultural Identity.  Stealing their thunder.

To Trade on someone’s Cool means to take something another person has shown you, included you in, or introduced you to and then to impress other people as though you discovered it all by yourself.  In Malcolm Gladwell’s words there are mavens, connectors, and salespersons.  Which one are you?

This is not imitation, it’s more insidious than that type of flattery.  It’s like style poaching.  Or cool stealing. 

The things that you spend a lot of time figuring out on your own kinda become YOUR THINGS.  What you do is part of your identity and what makes you YOU.  You don’t own them by any means, but your own personal style and choices are things you foster and things that make you unique.  They might not even seem that cool to you because to you they’re just normal.  Just what you do.

Of course we are all pieces of past experiences rolled into one person, but there are always a few signature items.  Things we do normally.  Ways we were raised.  Efforts we make because we feel they are important and because we genuinely like them.

And to snatch that from another person?  That’s cheap.

A few examples:

1.  I lived in LA for five years and I ran into this problem a number of times.  I had put in my time.  I knew where to go and what to do – things I had either discovered myself or been shown by my intimate friends.  Greystone Mansion was one such place.  I’d heard about Greystone Mansion, but one day my current BF and I went up there exploring.  It’s a fascinating and lovely place, kind of an oasis of peace in bustling LA.  We started to frequent the place.  Few people were ever there and it wasn’t trendy though by no means secret.  Occasionally I brought other people there, but it was kind of a special spot to me.

Gardens at Greystone.  Also where I set my evil turtle free. 

Skip forward a few months.  A new friend of mine asks me if I’d like to come check out this super cool house up in the Beverly Hills.  It was a special place for her and her boyfriend – a friend whom I had shown the place recently. 

Oh, you mean my friend who I introduced to that place a few months ago?  You’re going to take me somewhere you only know about because of me?  That is annoying.  The boyfriend ripped me off and traded on my cool.

2.  One of my BFF’s is kind of a lone ranger and goes exploring by herself all the time.  She discovered an awesome random decaying mural that became a favorite spot for her.  She unwillingly took her BF there.  A few weeks later up on Facebook pops a picture of him and his new girlfriend in front of the mural.  Ripping off her cool.

Not this mural but one like unto it.

3.  I am an activities junkie with my kids.  I encourage other people to do activities with their kids.  I was raised going somewhere fun and/or culturally interesting every single Saturday with my father and the other kids.  Saturday comes it’s fun time, and usually I try to do activities that are outside of the norm for small kids.  Adventures.  You’ve seen them on here.  I absolutely encourage inspiring you to get your kids out and about, but if all of the sudden you are going my favorite places and  doing all my favorite things pretending it was all your idea, that is Trading on my Cool. 

Oh, really?  You totally go to the SF Conservatory of Flowers just on a whim?

Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t copy when people have good ideas.  I’m all for that.  No reason for you to sit at home in front of screens all weekend.  But pretending they were your OWN good ideas?  That bugs me. 

Get your own Individual Cultural Identity.  Be original or cite your sources.  Start finding your own adventures.

And Yet Somehow Life Goes On

For CGH, your scripture so you don’t feel like you’re neglecting your studies: Book of Mormon  Mosiah 24:15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did^astrengthen them that they could bear up their ^bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with ^cpatience to all the will of the Lord.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."
- Robert Frost -

We are going a mile a minute over here.  We can’t stop.  If we stop the scars they made might catch us.  None of that.  No, No, No.  We'll run away, move on.  Moving forward, onward.  Too busy living and loving our days to be slowed down by deep hurt.  Our days are filled – with smiles and with friends and with love and sometimes even with hope, but not that often.  If we keep moving and living suddenly time will have passed and we will be alright again.  Until then we will cheerfully SINK OUR TEETH INTO LIFE.
So this week we:

Went steampunk.

Spraypainted Jude’s purple bike baller gold.
 
Cuddled on the comfy chair.
 
Played dress-up in mama’s sparkly clothes.

Dropped THE papers at the Family Law Court.  Again.  We are four once more.

Played Dada, Mama, and Baby.
 
Rocked fashion couture
 
Got our necks kissed.

Drip painted.
 
Learned about Magna Tiles (need!  wishlist!)
 
Went to a science craft fair.

Strolled around Yerba Buena Rooftop Gardens
 
Rode horses into the horizon.
 
Practiced our posing.
 
Built houses at the MOMA
 
Listened to art.

Learned how close to stand to a piece of digital art.

Just another week of living over here.  Taking it all in stride.  Licking our wounds.  Retreating.  Regrouping.  Pushing through.  All the euphemisms.
We are ok.  We are living.  Life goes on.