Life Ruiners

“But why would she do that?

Because she’s a life ruiner.  She ruins people’s lives.”

Mean Girls.  If you haven’t seen it you can’t sit with us.

 

Mean girls has become part of our canon of modern classics.  It strikes a chord because everyone has at one time or another been “victimized by Regina George”, which is to say they’ve been the recipients of meanness from other women.  Most of the time my mother’s time-worn consolation, “Nobody notices, nobody cares” applies – the offense is usually in our heads.  Most offense is unintentional.

However, there will always be the Regina Georges.  Or, if you’re a man, the Javerts. 

Seriously Javert, get over it.  Get on with your life.

Regina George is the quintessential Queen Bee.  She intimidates girls into being just like her and ostracizes those who don’t.  And when Regina George has her sights set on you, you’re pretty much going to have your life ruined.  Girls come into your life and decide that they don't like you. Then they do something about it.  They try to ruin your life under the ostensible goal of HELPING you.

My sister described these snake-in-the-grass Girls, “They are the people who call you inappropriate for wearing red fingernail polish to a Young Women's meeting. They are the people who send nasty emails to your parents when they think you aren't living your life right. They are the people who carve terrible words into your car when you don't do what they want you to do. They're the people who find out you like Aaron Samuels and then start dating him and dangling it in your face. They are the people who cause you to wind up in the principal's office because you didn't sit at their table at In n' Out. They are The Life Ruiners.”

The aforementioned sister recently came in the crossfire of a very mean girl and showed up crying on my doorstep.  We anger-cleaned my house and talked about all the Life Ruiners we've known and dealt with over the past years.  My sister is on the once-a-year plan.  I, however, am on the every-six-months plan.  Apparently I have a biannual subscription to Life Ruiners.

What is it with these types of women?  Why go out of your way to make someone else’s life more difficult than it needs to be?  And why are my sister and I such an easy targets for these types of women?  Do I have a sign on my back that says “It’s been 6 months and I’m pretty happy.  Stab me!”

I’m an equal opportunity offender.  I make people mad sometimes with my careless words, I get that, but rarely am I directly speaking to hurt and I never EVER pull out all the stops.  I’m also very responsible when it’s brought to my attention and quick to apologize sincerely.  I probably owe a lot of people apologies for various things, but I think I’m up-to-date because I like relationship peace.  Unfortunately, many people aren’t looking for apologies.  They’re looking for retribution.

Last week all three of us had black eyes at the same time.  Mimi fell and bonked her head, I caught an accidental elbow to the face, and Mimi accidentally kicked Jude.

Usually my Life Ruiners come out of the blue.  There’s the woman who took something I said in Relief Society and wrote a whole post about how ignorant I am to the plight of women.  Uh huh.  Total woman hater here, clearly.  There’s the woman who took me out to lunch and then proceeded to tell me that the way I look is the reason why my life was a disaster and that nobody took me seriously because I wear a ring with a gun on it to church.  Thanks!  Totally helpful!  Thanks for restoring my faith in the non-judgment of “Christians”.  See you at the temple!  Oh, and let’s not forget the latest and greatest.  My best friend wrote my parents (?!)  a lovely inventive email outlining every sin she thought I’d committed – because she was “worried” – and also said some pretty heinous false things about Hush (after she’d texted him all of my deepest darkest secrets.)  Thankfully my family knows my Life Ruiner history and laughed it off.  Seven years of friendship.  Gone.  I’m still in mourning.

These events don’t make me angry, they make me disappointed and sad.  I don’t hold grudges, I simply live my life without them forever.  Is that holding a grudge or just being careful?  They pull a stunt like that and it’s like flicking a switch – gone from my life, just a memory. 

 

My question for all of these attempted Life Ruiners is WHY?  Why go out of your way to make trouble in someone else’s life?  What do you have to gain from another’s misery?

Sure, we’ve all been mad.  We’ve all been hurt.  But the difference between an adult and a Life Ruiner must be the lessons I learned from my mother:

1.  Write the letter, get all your feelings out.  Then don’t send it.  Throw it away.

2.  Let it go.

3.  Mind your own business, live your own life.

4.  Choose to think the best of people.  Assume the good in others.

And 5.  Be the light. 

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Plato

The worst part about the Life Ruiners in my life is that they have always been women. I’ve become wary and gun-shy; who’s going to have it out for me next time?  But more importantly, how can I restore my faith in friendship with women? 

Sigh.  At least I have my sisters.

Get in loser, we’re going shopping.

Shine on You Crazy Diamond

Ok, I’m ready to talk to you again.

I have not been in any mood to blog recently.  I haven’t wanted to tell anybody anything. 

I think I’ve been too happy.

Let me explain. 

Social Media is a tricky thing.  My intentions when I share pictures or post something is to show it to my sisters or a particular friend or two.  That’s why we all started these blogs: to outdo one another with our stories and to keep a record of the things we would otherwise forget in our kid’s lives.  But when you put your life out there like that you can’t anticipate how you will likely be writing about as much tragedy as celebrations.

 

But what do you do when all of the sudden NONE of the pictures have the dad in them any more?  Or when you have to move unexpectedly?  These types of life events are difficult to gloss over in a family record if you intend to be truthful and accurate.  So then comes the spin.  And the editing.  And the explanations or the gaping holes where explanations were impossible.  I wrote my way through these things looking for the good and happy while my heart and hope was completely broken.

 

 

Take my life today versus a year ago.

Last year at this time I was living alone in Dville with my children.  I was spiraling from the sudden death of my brother and two very difficult relationship ends.  My brother’s death and the deep loss I felt as I watched Dx travel further and further away from the gospel was fairly devastating leaving me to wonder if life is in fact “a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”.  What did Nate’s life mean?  Is there an afterlife?  How can the gospel mean so much to someone and then mean so little? 

I refer to last summer as my “black period” and at that time I chose to mark my nihilistic despair on my forearm.  But if you look through my blog you wouldn’t know that I felt scared and alone and, other than my wonderful delightful children, my own life was pretty miserable. 

 

Fast forward to today.

I’m pretty sure this is what it’s all about.

I now live in Utah.  My kids are happy and they can all put on their own shoes and buckle their own seatbelts.  I met, fell in love hard and fast, had the most perfect wedding and am now married to the kindest most honest man I’ve ever had the pleasure to know.  I randomly applied to a super rad new job that I can’t talk about and started working today (part time, great project for me).  My darling husband was able to work from home to watch Silas, pick up Jude and even go out in the pouring rain to cheer Mimi on as she did some fun-run for school.  And he even made her a sign.   I came home to a clean kitchen.  My family group texted hilariously all day long.  Our bills are all paid.  Last night we fed the missionaries, then my sister Camille, and then our friends.  Tonight we had family WWF night and kids are happily in bed. 

I literally walk around smiling to myself.  If you see me with wrinkles, they’re from smiling.

And that is why I haven’t been posting much.  At nights we either sit out in the hammock under the lanterns or Hush plays the guitar for me on our bed and we make up songs.  Or we dance in the kitchen.

More evidence of us living in our own little world.

Yesterday one of Hush’s friends was in from out of town and she told me that when she and her husband run into annoyances outside of their control they say “WWLD” What would Lenore Do?  And apparently she associates me with being happy no matter the circumstances.   I was awestruck.

Can you believe that?  After all of the horrible crap I’ve waded through, the impression I’ve left her is one of smiling and being as happy as I can be inspite of it all.

 

(more wedding pictures when I get them.  These are all I have!)

 

Ok, you made it to the bottom.  Good job.  Now I want to know who you are and how long you’ve been reading.  Pay the toll, looky-loos.

Glorious School!

I think I would have moved to Utah for the schools alone.  Listen to this routine.

7:50 wake up.  Not too early!  Kids get dressed and ready (by themselves!!), I make lunch and breakfast.

8:20 Mimi AND Jude go out to the corner right outside my house.  On our property, actually.  I can see them from my cozy bed.

Jude’s first day, waiting on the corner with Mimi.  Sometimes they hold hands!

Their walking group of about 9 kids from our ward marches up to them and they join them on their two block walk to school.  They are accompanied by a very responsible 6th grader.

I wave from my porch. 

Jude’s classroom.

Mimi signs Jude into his class which is right around the corner from her own.

11:45 I pick up Jude from Pre-K.  It’s $200/month because it’s transitional kindergarten and therefore not paid by the state.  I think we’re a little shortchanged with the hours, but it’s still a great experience for him.

Mimi walks home with her walking group and shows up at about 3:30.  The other kids in the walking group told me they walk rain or snow or shine, so here’s hoping.  Should be interesting when it gets cold.

The schools are SO FANCY.  They’re mostly indoors and have multiple stairways.  Have you ever been to an SPCA in CA?  Know how they’re always super fancy and new?  That’s how the schools are here.  And here’s the best part:

THEY DON’T ASK YOU FOR MONEY.

No fees.  None.  Nobody has asked me for a cent.

And that is INCLUDING school supplies.  No list comes home saying what they need to buy.  All the classrooms are fully stocked with fabulous learning supplies, Mimi even has her own little white board she keeps in her desk.  The classrooms have these cool smart boards that are like giant ipads the teachers can write on and do all kinds of neat things.

Mimi’s first week of First grade, by our newly planted tree.

Both kids are loving their classes.  Mimi’s first grade classroom is rather obsessively focused on the writing process.  Already I’ve seen improvement.  Her teacher is very low key, kind of Earthy which is great for Mimi because she needs that opposite type of personality in the classroom.  She has kind of a lot of homework, but enjoys doing it (I don’t).  Jude comes home from school singing songs and bragging about his friendships.  He feels like a very big kid going to the same school as Mims.  (It’s no MVHS, we miss Carol and Jackie terribly!)

I had Silas all signed up for the preschool at the local High School like we did in Dville, but they changed their program at the last second.  It’s killing me.  He’s 3 1/2 and just follows me around talking angrily all.day.long.  I signed up for a gym so that he could have his own “school” at the gym kid’s care and that is going pretty well, except for the fact that I can’t leave and I have to exercise which is boring beyond belief.  But it’s only $14/month!  Perhaps I will find a better preschool for him soon.

Hush, Jay and Silas.

Now I love California, but come on.  Why is so little money going to schools from the government?  Why do the teachers have to solicit for money?  They’re screwing something up.  Utah has primary education down.  My kids are going to be entitled little geniuses.

Feet: Warm

Toes: Pedicured.

House: Cleaned.

Kids: Bathed.

Rings: Located.

Dress: Tailored.

Backyard: Delegated.

Hair: Pinked.

Legs:  Shaved.

Pre-wedding tension: Managed.

Food: Outsourced.

Officiator:  Prepped.

Music: Rocked.

Groom: Locked and Loaded.

 

Ambien: On deck.

Here we go!

I’m Your Man

Hush and I are getting married in one week.  Friday the 13.

 

I’ve written three different posts about Hush explaining who he is, how we met, where he came from and the story of our romance.

None of the posts are sitting right.

I just can’t bring myself to take the story of We and make it just that – a story.  A good romantic tale for others to either be amused and smile or look for holes and criticize.

I’ve lived my life online and told my story for six years now.  I’ve chronicled my successes and failures, my children’s births and life highlights. 

But I don’t want to tell you anything about Hush because he’s mine, our story is mine, and to discuss it in this format would feel like trivializing something very close to my heart.   How does one spell out tenderness?  How could I quantify love? 

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold” – even Zelda Fitzgerald admits defeat in the face of adequately writing love.

So I’m not even going to try.

I apologize, but our story belongs to us and I’m not giving it away for free.

 

 

"I'm Your Man"

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man

If you want a boxer
I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor
I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver
Climb inside
Or if you want to take me for a ride
You know you can
I'm your man

Ah, the moon's too bright
The chain's too tight
The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running through these promises to you
That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby
And I'd fall at your feet
And I'd howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And I'd claw at your heart
And I'd tear at your sheet
I'd say please, please
I'm your man

And if you've got to sleep
A moment on the road
I will steer for you
If you want a father for your child
Or only want to walk with me a while
Across the sand
I'm your man

The Assimilation of Hush

Sometimes people ask me how Hush and the minions get along.  I can’t help but smirk. 

You’ll be relieved to know I’ve been sneaky with my camera and have caught some amazing moments between the kids and their new stepdad-to-be.  Hush doesn’t know a lot of these pictures were taken, as is evident by the fact that he’s NEVER looking at the camera. 

And when he sees all of these he’ll probably say, “BAYby!  You’re ruining my street cred!”

If you make it all the way to the bottom of this saccharine cuteness overload tomorrow I’ll explain to you why I call him Hush.

 

Silas

Silas and Danny have an amusing relationship.  Si is at that age where he’s testing his limits of what will be allowed.  He’s mischievous and a little bit manipulative, but it comes from a very childlike need to be kissed and hugged and adored.  I love watching Silas run to Hush to be thrown up in the air.  Si only lived with Houdini for about three months and has a very significant attachment to Grandpa Jim and Grandma Pam, which is where we were living during those formative bonding months of his infancy (Silas cried and moped when Pam and Jim came for a visit and then left).  He’s a little bit emotional and more reticent than Jude at taking physical risks.  Hush pushes him to try climbing and doesn’t allow Si to get away with his typical youngest child “I can’t!”  Silas treats Hush like he is his parent – testing him in a way that children only do when they feel safe.

Mirrored walking.

Danny feeling awkward while Silas lays all his love on him.  It’s so funny to watch my minions pour their love onto this initially unsuspecting man.  

Mimi

Mimi is the most aware of her interactions with Hush.  She and I talk a lot about how she should behave and what to think.  It’s been particularly interesting because Hush is very very hands off and does not try to suck up to the kids at all, which has earned their trust and respect.  Mimi didn’t know if she was allowed to sit by him or touch him at all, but she craves positive male interaction every day and wants him to pay a lot of attention to her.  Hush intentionally praises Mimi when she’s within earshot and she loves every word.  When Hush and I hug or sit by each other she has started shoving herself between us to get love from both of us at the same time.  Mimi and Houdini have a pretty foundational bond, but Hush and I are teaching Mimi what it’s like to have a father figure around on a daily basis.  She has become very happy and comfortable learning solid boundaries and appropriate attention getting methods. 

Jude

And then there’s Jude.  Jude is generally introverted.  He needs his time away to do his own things by himself.  He’s very independent, unlike Mimi and Silas who prefer company.  Since we’ve moved here Jude is a different man.  Jude and Hush are buddies and they share common interests in Batman, rock climbing, and doing man things.  I often think Jude was intended to be raised by Danny because they have similar temperaments and just vibe really well together.  Jude’s tougher, more trusting, and more self confident with Danny around as though he has to man up and impress him.  Hush takes the time to show Jude how to do things: digging holes, climbing trees, throwing a ball around, doing parqour, playing the guitar.  I particularly like that Jude doesn’t associate Hush with going to Target and getting stuff, which is a bad habit Jude had come to associate with all grown men.  They do activities together instead.

 

 

Stay tuned for part two tomorrow – how this all happened.

 

Touch of Grey

Down the 15 south of Fillmore

Follow a dirt road lined with corn fields

Walk along a white washed path

Find a little pond

Circle up your little hippie family

Strip to your bathing suit

And enjoy your own personal hot springs.

Meadow Hot Springs on the way to Cedar City and St. George.  Highly recommend.

 

Directions: Take the Meadow exit 158 south of Fillmore on I-15. Turn left at the stop sign and go under the freeway. You will pass a Chevron station on the right and be heading south. Keep going south out of the town of Meadow (about 1.5 miles) until you pass the last buildings on the left. Shortly after passing the buildings on the left you will see a well graded dirt road on the right. This road will take you back over I-15. On this road you will see several roads heading off in different directions, just stay on this road heading west until you get to the parking area, you can‘t miss it. The spring is located about 150 yards from the parking area.

Can’t Wait Any Longer (The Big Announcement)

Here ya go:

Hush made this. He deserves full credit.

Yes, this is my life.  Turns out I get to live happily ever after after all.

My Liberal Arts Education

The other day I was at the library with my little children reading them an Olivia book.

We turned to this page:

To the general observer this is just Olivia acting weird trying on clothes.

To me, this is a visual reference to Martha Graham’s Lamentation.

I thumbed through the rest of the book and found this:

And in the front this:

Now if that moment of self-satisfaction in the children’s section of an SLC library wasn’t worth four years of higher education, I don’t know what is. 

Found on Phone August 2013

Photos on my phone usually fall into a few categories.

1. Illustrative pictures

I text these as part of communication with my friends and family.  I love picture texts as punctuation. 

Tupac the Unicorn tattoo.

One of the few words that annoy the hell out of me.  Don’t namaste me.  We aren’t the same, we aren’t one.  Save your silly attempt at xenophilia.

More people need to remember this pop culture reference.

Lord Licorice and Queen Frostine.

2.  Pictures of my people.

3.  Ideas and projects I’m working on.

 

Found a pretty good recipe for Heisenberg’s Blue Stuff from Breaking Bad.  Not the REAL stuff, just rock candy.  But turns out I know how to make rock candy, so add that to my life accomplishments.  I bagged it and sent it over to my neighbors as housewarming gifts.  Welcome to the neighborhood!

Just some fashion ideas.  How fabulous is this bride?  The tights pull the whole look together.  She’s rad.

4.  Weird stuff I find at thrift stores. 

My kids and I have been frequenting pawn shops and thrift stores because they have so many here and they’re like dollar stores.  It’s fun to see the random items, such as:

 

The crock was not for sale, but I really wanted that rattlesnake.

Cutting right to the chase at DI.

Finally found my missing heart-shaped glasses.  (I know you have them, Camille.  Give them back to me, give them back!)

5.  Activities we have attended.

At Hush’s niece Maddi’s birthday.  The minions absolutely adore their soon to be new cousins.

Jude learning how to film on set with www.Sqwak.com productions.

Breaking Bad video shoot.

 

I love flipping through the pictures in my files from any random month.  They give me direct insight into what we were up to that week, who I was interacting with and what we were thinking about.  It’s like a nonsensical photo journal.