Nursing Avec Toddler

Dear This Person:

I understand and appreciate that you are trying your best to adjust to This Person:

But I need you to know that jumping into him on the couch and generally wreaking havoc while I am feeding him is starting to make me very angry.

When I tell you to stop being a destructo, please do not ignore me and give me This Face:

Or I will be very tempted to drop you off at This Person's:

(Pam wearing Ti Chi outfit, gift from the Olympians)

And furthermore, would it be too much trouble to speed up This Activity?:

Thank you for your cooperation.

I think we all saw this day coming. I'm sure it's only a phase of crazy.

Much love,

Your Mother who may or may not have been reduced to allowing you to run around half-clothed, messy hair, eating cookies off the ground with a wet diaper today.

Then and Now

In the words of Cole Porter, Times have changed.

I used to travel like this:

On the beach in Barcelona, circa 2006. Note the small bag.

And now I travel like this:

Mimi, Jude and Cousin Alice packed like sardines in the SUV. Celia and I happily discovered that you CAN put three to a row in my car and still have the two midget seats in the back! Plenty of room to grow!

My homies and I used to roll in this:


My beloved '66 Mustang.

Now my homies and I roll in this:

This is my "I give up Stroller." Paige and I assembled it yesterday. It's a limo. It's ginormous and I love it, almost as much as my mustang. I love the occupants more.

I used to see bums like this:

Statue of the Promise of Death in Prague.

Now I see a bum belonging to him:


Remember when you thought that your life would be the same after you had kids? Things are different, but definitely better. I like having two better than I like having one kid because I feel more committed and expect just the standard clean house, happy kids, food on the table expectations of myself. We're working on scheduling right now, trying to get little people to sleep at the same time as I want to sleep. Mimi is doing pretty well, only a little regression with hitting and waking up after being put down to sleep for the night. Jude is nursing on both sides pretty well and still taking a supplemental bottle so I can leave him with a babysitter (mom). He's a pooping machine. He sleeps for long stretches at night. He has a clogged tear duct, but we're seeing the doctor tomorrow. Jude's a sweet little boy and I'm in love.

A Baby Story: Jude Edition

The last few weeks of pregnancy with Jude were hard, mostly because I felt like I was in labor all of the time. I had regular contractions and got sent home from the hospital once for preterm labor, once for not being in sufficient amount of pain with my contractions.

Texting and playing with Iphones. It was a technologically enhanced birth.

Finally, after a night of annoying contractions, we went to the hospital at about 9:30. I knew I was having that baby that day because we had the same evil nurse as when I had Mimi. She has horrible bedside manner and doesn't tell me what's going on.

Right before I swooned and needed more drugs.

Still no pain. The nurse checked me and I was at a 2, which was more than I was when I checked in with Mimi. Dx and I did the walk around the maternity ward, mostly because I've always wanted to do the maternity ward walk. By around 11, they hooked me up to the IV and the contractions were actually hurting because I was at a 5. Next, I requested my much beloved stadol and an epidural, although I wanted the stadol to kick in for a while before the epidural. But, anesthesiologists get busy, so if he was available I'd better get that drip in place before they started the pitocin. I was really drugged and shaken during the epidural, I couldn't breathe and I was sweating and shaking violently. It was really scary. My leg didn't do the normal kicky thing when the guy put in the needle, so I was kinda worried that he'd messed up, but the pain went away so I thoughtI was in the clear.

At 12, my sisters Celia and Paige descended in a flurry of hilarious.

Paige "checking" my dialation

No bras in the delivery room!

They went through every closet and played with all the gadgets. They texted and took pictures, it was a total party. When Paige was doing my hair, however, I started to pass out. I don't know what happened exactly, but the nurse apparently turned off my epidural. The pitocin was in and working. When the doctor came in to break my water, I could FEEL EVERYTHING! I freaked out. All of the sudden, the contractions went crazy and I truely thought I was going to die. The anesthesiologist came back in and tried to explain to me that the epidural was fine and that it was too late to change it. I was in complete panic. I had to soothe this guy's ego while going through transition without any medication (stadol had worn off). While he was explaining, Dx held up the phone so Ellie could hear and she told him to demand Versed and another epidural. Everybody thought it was too late to get a new epidural and Celia and Paige had to coach me through 30 minutes of the worst pain I have ever felt. I was weeping. I think I transitioned without drugs. Finally, they dosed me with Versed and I felt much better. Then they gave me another epidural and we had to listen to the dumb guy explain why he hadn't screwed up the first one. But the second one worked!

The nurse checked me and said I was "complete" whatever that means. Hair and makeup resumed. (What, don't you have hair and makeup people at your births? You should!) Paige and Dx held my legs on one side, Celia on the other. Nobody looked at my business. I pushed the baby down for about 20 minutes, then the doctor showed up and rather than catching the baby (who was crowning) he grabbed my camera and started taking pictures from HIS vantage point! We all thought he was taking pictures of the baby coming out and were horrified. But they are actually kind of cool and show nothing disgusting.

One of the pics taken by the Doctor.

In about 10 minutes at 4:05pm, the baby was born. It was a love fest.

Baby Love

Then my crew helped the baby get cleaned up and passed him around to be cuddled and loved.

Baby Jude 8lbs 9.8oz

Shortly thereafter, everybody in my entire family and Dx's showed up or called. Jude must have been cuddled by 25 people in the first five hours of his life. And they wonder why my kids have no separation anxiety and will go to anybody!

I'm glad my sisters and husband were there. All in all, it was a positive experience, despite the unexpected pain and suffering. The recovery has been easier than the first and I am taking it as easy as one can with a toddler and a newborn. Mimi and Jude seem to like eachother and Dx and the fam are helping a lot. I like having two babies even more than I like having one.

Hooray for babies! Apparently I have "Irish twins" which means two babies within 18 months of eachother.

Educating Young Minds

Mimi, 14 months, doing a little light reading.

Mimi and I knock out out weekly schedule generally without issue. We have nap times down to a science and reliable babysitters. But today things went slightly awry.

On Mondays she stays with Dx in the morning, Tuesday Grandma has her for 4 1/2 hours in the afternoon. Wednesday and Friday she comes with me to school where a high school student meets her and takes her to play and eat on campus. All of my high school students know and love Mimi, she's the mascot.

On Thursdays I teach at one school in the morning until 9:40 while Mimi and Dx sleep in, go to Kindermusick at 10:30 for 45 mins, Mimi naps and then it's off to Grandma's while I go teach at the college for 3 hours. It's our big day and things need to go exactly as planned.

Educating about Oppression and the Man


Today my mom had a very important obligation and needed to pick Mimi up at the college rather than me drop her off at 1. So I got to take my rambunctious toddler to college for 15 minutes before class. My mom picked her up near the beginning of class. The students were surprised, especially being that they've watched me get more pregnant by the day and adding a toddler to the mix was fun for them to see. She proceeded to grab the white board marker and teach the early comers a thing or two, but not before she snuck under the fence to bang on the windows and disrupt another class.


But it was after Mom picked her up that the fun started.


Having toted her to the car up two flights of stairs, Mom buckled Mimi in her carseat and slammed the car door. With her purse, phone and KEYS inside! Every mom's worst nightmare!


Mom had to call the campus police who attempted to jimmie the door, but to no avail. They ended up breaking the back window to get into the car after half an hour. Mom picked glass shards out of Mimi's hair all afternoon. Having glass all over the car isn't good on the freeway, so Mom had to take the car (with Mimi) to a self carwash and vacuum it out. Mimi is terrified of vacuums and screamed the whole time as mom pumped quarters into the machine.


Everything turned out just fine, save for the busted window and Mom's feet. In true fabulous form, she did it all in three inch heels.
Mimi and Gramma Pamma, buddies from Day One.


Way to take care of the problem, Mom! You are still the best babysitter ever and I appreciate your car window sacrifice to free the baby from the locked car! I can't wait to hear about your adventures on Tuesday.

Bow Down, April Fools

While I admire Paige's attempts to nail me on April Fool's Day, I must admit that I am the best practical joke player in the whole wide world.

Here are some guidelines for successful pranking:

1) Pick your target. I ALWAYS pick Jim, my dad. Every year he knows I'm going to get him, but every year he falls hard for whatever my husband and I dream up. Pick someone smart. They think they can't be fooled.

The sitting Duck. Middle, green shirt.

2) Plan ahead. I plan months in advance.

3) Have accomplices. Relatives are good, but officials in offices are better.

4) Center your prank on something about which the person cares a LOT. They have to be a mildly obsessive person.

5) Create diversions. Make sure something really exciting happens on March 31.

6) Distance yourself. Yes, you may not be there to see that look on their face. But if you're not in the room smirking, it takes them longer to trace it back to you.


Here's a history.

Year 1: Case of the Missing Missionary

Joke played on Jim. Jim was obsessing over Phil who had recently entered the MTC. Phil, being the first and only of us to serve a mission, was the golden boy and he was all dad ever talked about. It bugged everybody, so we decided to make his worst fears realities. Or so he thought.

First, I used my detective skills to figure out where he'd be at this time. He was in Georgia visiting Ellie. Thus unable to answer a home phone call.

Initially, we wanted to use a Male voice with knowledge of MTC lingo to call Jim's home phone. That person flaked. We had a back-up plan.

Called Val, told her to call dad's cellphone and leave a message saying that she checked (and oops! erased) a message on the home phone and it was some guy from the MTC saying that Phil had left the MTC and was enroute escaping to Los Angeles.

When Dad got the message, it was late at night in Georgia. He proceeded to call the MTC asking about the "missing Missionary." The people at the MTC checked his bed, and confirmed that Phil had not escaped.
The victim. Clearly paying attention to my baby. He's very important, you know.


Year 2: If it Sounds Too Good to Be True . . .

Joke played on Jim. Less success with this one because I was in Europe.
Jim was obsessed with selling his house in Hawaii.
I created a false email address under his Real Estate Broker's name and emailed him a pretend offer on his Hawaii house for double his asking price.
He says he didn't fall for it, but I kinda copped out and gave up the joke because I was afraid he'd call the guy and embarrass himself.


Year 3: Twins
Joke played again on Jim.

Jim has an identical twin named Jay. They are opposites and bitter rivals. His twin is a bachelor, Jim is a family guy, but that is only the beginning.

This year, we had Jay call dad asking him to process the offer on a house down the street, he had faxed it to Kinkos and would Jim please go pick it up and take it to the realtor? They were going to be neighbors and in the same ward.
Jim freaked out.


Jay, behind Camille. He's not getting up because it's his turn. He's getting up because he refuses to play charades.

THIS YEAR: The Court Case

Joke again played on Jim, of course.

Jim is an attorney. Attorneys are registered with the State Bar. The State Bar facilitates complaints from clients about attorneys, but you have to do something really bad and negligent to get in trouble with them.

Poor Jim. Yesterday he got a letter in the mail saying that the CA State Bar had received a complaint and that the matter was currently under review by the board. My poor dad was nearly disbarred yesterday. By Me.


Yes, family, I am the reigning champion. I will give an honorable mention to Jeff who instigated the blog pranking you saw yesterday.

The John Stamos Clause

Happily married though I am, Dx and I have an agreement. The agreement is call the Uncle Jesse / Gisele condition, and we were married with this pre-nuptual clause firmly in place. Should either Gisele Bunchen or John Stamos "proposition" Dx or me, respectively, the propositioned party is free to do as he or she pleases with no marital consequences.
Why Uncle Jesse, you ask? Well, just look at him. He's beautiful. He is my first and only celebrity crush, save the King (who is more of an interest than a real crush, mostly because he is dead.) I guess you could say they bear a strong resemblance. Apparently, I have a type.
The love affair started long ago, when I was about 10 and we had a weekly date on Friday nights. He was not far away, only in San Francisco where he lived in a "Full House." I don't know if those people on the show were actually related, but they called him "Uncle Jesse" so I've run with that for the last 16 years. When Becky showed up, married him and bore him ugly little twins, my heart was broken. "Have Mercy" indeed.

Uncle Jesse and I split hairs over one small issue. His Beach Boys affinity. I loathe the Beach Boys, but managed to sit through one of their concerts for the sole purpose of catching a glimpse of the Adonis. He was playing the bongos. In my mind, we made eye contact and had a moment. I don't follow John Stamos' career, mostly because ER died a long long time ago and let's face it, Stamos' career since Full House has been average. But that doesn't make me love him any less. What DOES make me occasionally question our future together is the belly button issue. You may have noticed that UJ doesn't do chest scenes. This is because he thinks his belly button looks like a "dwarf's nose." It does. It's too obscene to post on my blog, but if you must know, click here.

If you're out there John Stamos, drop me a line. I think you'll be glad you did.

Pregnancy Hair

It's that time again. My hair looks normal and healthy, time to mess it up! Please help me choose from an aray of colors.
I'm not cutting it. Maybe just a trim. So color it is.

Bright Red in Berlin?Purple in London? Scary druggy looking pink in London?Brown in Barcelona?Blonde with wicked roots?
Day before baby was born uneven Dark Red?
Or New Mother Rusty Red?

Mooooving on Up

Did you wonder where I'd gone? Think I'd abandoned you?

Nope, we were just moving.

We move about once a year. This time, we moved to a four bedroom house, not unlike the one pictured below. This new house is closer to my work and to babysitters. It's in a great part of town and Dx will use one of the rooms to work from home, some of the time. It has a small backyard where I might lock my child when the weather gets nicer.

This is not our house. But the one next door is! I hope Ellie moves into this house when she moves back from Hawaii. Then we will be neighbors and I will peak over my fence and talk to her. And I will cut a doggy door in the fence and Mimi and Griffin can play anytime they want. And I will loan her sugar, and she will help me organize and we will be sister wives.

C'mon, Ellie. The price is right.

In other business: For the next 8 weeks or so I will be working two gigs, one teaching a class at a high school, the other for Mom's Mulan. I will not be posting about either because you KNOW what happened last time. (Of which, I have still not heard the end, but at least I still have my job). Come March, Mulan ends and the class I'm teaching at the College that Shall Remain Nameless begins, while the high school job continues. Then in June, I retire from working outside the home. If I miss a few days blogging, those are my reasons. Also, I am still reading your blogs, though I have not been commenting. I read them on my phone, so commenting is difficult. That, and I'm so busy exercising and cooking three meals a day. Ha!

Oh, and in case you didn't know, my spousal unit is (among other things) a Family Law Attorney. Since you are all members of families, you might need or know someone who needs law work of that nature (wills, trusts, estate planning, custody, separation, divorce, etc.) I'm letting you know not because I think you are on the verge of a divorce, but because I know that not many people know Fam Law Attorneys, esp. LDS ones. Ask me and I'll put you in contact with him. As Shakespeare says, "Good counselors lack no clients."

Happy Birthday Paige!

Today is Paige's 34th Birthday!

Celia's post about Paige is really good and I don't think I can compete.

Here are ten reasons I like Paige:

1) She saved my baby's life. Mimi was having a miserable time learning to nurse and Paige brought over a nipple shield that helped Mims latch on and finally eat. I will never forget that.

2) Her kids are louder than yours. If you bring Paige and Co. along, you can pretty much count on an event. She's a travelling party.

3) Paige has self control. She exercises EVERY DAY and manages to take naps and get her kids where they need to go. She is a scheduler and very organized with her time.

4) Paige will help you. She is my sister wife because we live close enough, but we're moving even closer and I can only imagine the babysitting trading that is going to happen. I'm excited.
5) Paige is generous. She has a lot and she gives freely. You can eat her food, she'll buy you stuff, and pay for your treats. She doesn't mind and she never keeps tabs.

6) Last year Paige had a not-so-good birthday. It was memorable because it was the saddest birthday ever. Jeff bailed on Paige and nobody planned a birthday dinner for her and I don't think she got any good presents. Tonight she has big plans at Flemmings. I am invited. 7) Paige has no internal monologue. She says what she thinks and it is much meaner and more funny than what you were thinking. You wish you had said it yourself, but you aren't that brave.

8) Paige can sneak in anywhere. Please see previous post: What Would Paige Do?

9) Paige has been a lot of places and done a lot of things. She is very accomplished, but never brags about all that fabulous places she's been. I should learn from her.

10) Paige has a lot of friends, blog and otherwise. They go on fun girl weekends and I am jealous.

Happy Birthday to Paige. I hope you get everything that you want. What DO you want? I still need to get you a present.

'Mille

Happy 17th Birthday, Camille!

Here are some things you may not know about the youngest kid in our family:

1) Camille and Hermione are friends.

2) She likes Betsey Johnson and Seven Jeans, both of which she received for her birthday and I was massively jealous.

3) Dx calls her Switzerland. Camille is a neutral party. You can tell her things, and she may or may not tell them to others. Camille is everybody's friend and nobody's alli.

4) She usually doesn't clean her room. That's okay with her parents because she has success in other areas.

5) She fits in all of my prepregnancy clothes. Boo.

6) She likes babies (duh, she's one of us.)

7) She loses money all the time. If you find money in her room, you can feel free to take it because she will just think she lost it.

8) Her favorite "restaurant" is Taco Bell. She usually overdoes it there.

9) She was the biggest star of the Danville Children's Musical Theater, but she is retired.

10) Camille is a voracious reader.

11) Camille has as many friends as Celia has. She's a social butterfly and everybody likes her.

12) She only kind of knows how to ski, and that's okay with her.

13) One year mom or dad tricked her into thinking she is sporty by making her play volleyball.

14) As far as we know, she's pretty righteous. She goes to seminary without issue.

15) Cam is not embarrassed to bring her friends over to the house. They come over a lot and mom feeds them cookies.

16) Cam does not like to practice the piano. This is her only behavioral flaw.

17) When Camille was little, she wanted a nickname. Since Giselle is Ellie and Lenore is Nori, Camille would naturally be Mille. I still call her that.

I hope you had a lovely birthday! I know you got everything you wanted, because I saw what you got and I really wanted all of it. Badly.

Lookin good on Christmas morning.