The John Stamos Clause

Happily married though I am, Dx and I have an agreement. The agreement is call the Uncle Jesse / Gisele condition, and we were married with this pre-nuptual clause firmly in place. Should either Gisele Bunchen or John Stamos "proposition" Dx or me, respectively, the propositioned party is free to do as he or she pleases with no marital consequences.
Why Uncle Jesse, you ask? Well, just look at him. He's beautiful. He is my first and only celebrity crush, save the King (who is more of an interest than a real crush, mostly because he is dead.) I guess you could say they bear a strong resemblance. Apparently, I have a type.
The love affair started long ago, when I was about 10 and we had a weekly date on Friday nights. He was not far away, only in San Francisco where he lived in a "Full House." I don't know if those people on the show were actually related, but they called him "Uncle Jesse" so I've run with that for the last 16 years. When Becky showed up, married him and bore him ugly little twins, my heart was broken. "Have Mercy" indeed.

Uncle Jesse and I split hairs over one small issue. His Beach Boys affinity. I loathe the Beach Boys, but managed to sit through one of their concerts for the sole purpose of catching a glimpse of the Adonis. He was playing the bongos. In my mind, we made eye contact and had a moment. I don't follow John Stamos' career, mostly because ER died a long long time ago and let's face it, Stamos' career since Full House has been average. But that doesn't make me love him any less. What DOES make me occasionally question our future together is the belly button issue. You may have noticed that UJ doesn't do chest scenes. This is because he thinks his belly button looks like a "dwarf's nose." It does. It's too obscene to post on my blog, but if you must know, click here.

If you're out there John Stamos, drop me a line. I think you'll be glad you did.

Pregnancy Hair

It's that time again. My hair looks normal and healthy, time to mess it up! Please help me choose from an aray of colors.
I'm not cutting it. Maybe just a trim. So color it is.

Bright Red in Berlin?Purple in London? Scary druggy looking pink in London?Brown in Barcelona?Blonde with wicked roots?
Day before baby was born uneven Dark Red?
Or New Mother Rusty Red?

Mooooving on Up

Did you wonder where I'd gone? Think I'd abandoned you?

Nope, we were just moving.

We move about once a year. This time, we moved to a four bedroom house, not unlike the one pictured below. This new house is closer to my work and to babysitters. It's in a great part of town and Dx will use one of the rooms to work from home, some of the time. It has a small backyard where I might lock my child when the weather gets nicer.

This is not our house. But the one next door is! I hope Ellie moves into this house when she moves back from Hawaii. Then we will be neighbors and I will peak over my fence and talk to her. And I will cut a doggy door in the fence and Mimi and Griffin can play anytime they want. And I will loan her sugar, and she will help me organize and we will be sister wives.

C'mon, Ellie. The price is right.

In other business: For the next 8 weeks or so I will be working two gigs, one teaching a class at a high school, the other for Mom's Mulan. I will not be posting about either because you KNOW what happened last time. (Of which, I have still not heard the end, but at least I still have my job). Come March, Mulan ends and the class I'm teaching at the College that Shall Remain Nameless begins, while the high school job continues. Then in June, I retire from working outside the home. If I miss a few days blogging, those are my reasons. Also, I am still reading your blogs, though I have not been commenting. I read them on my phone, so commenting is difficult. That, and I'm so busy exercising and cooking three meals a day. Ha!

Oh, and in case you didn't know, my spousal unit is (among other things) a Family Law Attorney. Since you are all members of families, you might need or know someone who needs law work of that nature (wills, trusts, estate planning, custody, separation, divorce, etc.) I'm letting you know not because I think you are on the verge of a divorce, but because I know that not many people know Fam Law Attorneys, esp. LDS ones. Ask me and I'll put you in contact with him. As Shakespeare says, "Good counselors lack no clients."

Happy Birthday Paige!

Today is Paige's 34th Birthday!

Celia's post about Paige is really good and I don't think I can compete.

Here are ten reasons I like Paige:

1) She saved my baby's life. Mimi was having a miserable time learning to nurse and Paige brought over a nipple shield that helped Mims latch on and finally eat. I will never forget that.

2) Her kids are louder than yours. If you bring Paige and Co. along, you can pretty much count on an event. She's a travelling party.

3) Paige has self control. She exercises EVERY DAY and manages to take naps and get her kids where they need to go. She is a scheduler and very organized with her time.

4) Paige will help you. She is my sister wife because we live close enough, but we're moving even closer and I can only imagine the babysitting trading that is going to happen. I'm excited.
5) Paige is generous. She has a lot and she gives freely. You can eat her food, she'll buy you stuff, and pay for your treats. She doesn't mind and she never keeps tabs.

6) Last year Paige had a not-so-good birthday. It was memorable because it was the saddest birthday ever. Jeff bailed on Paige and nobody planned a birthday dinner for her and I don't think she got any good presents. Tonight she has big plans at Flemmings. I am invited. 7) Paige has no internal monologue. She says what she thinks and it is much meaner and more funny than what you were thinking. You wish you had said it yourself, but you aren't that brave.

8) Paige can sneak in anywhere. Please see previous post: What Would Paige Do?

9) Paige has been a lot of places and done a lot of things. She is very accomplished, but never brags about all that fabulous places she's been. I should learn from her.

10) Paige has a lot of friends, blog and otherwise. They go on fun girl weekends and I am jealous.

Happy Birthday to Paige. I hope you get everything that you want. What DO you want? I still need to get you a present.

'Mille

Happy 17th Birthday, Camille!

Here are some things you may not know about the youngest kid in our family:

1) Camille and Hermione are friends.

2) She likes Betsey Johnson and Seven Jeans, both of which she received for her birthday and I was massively jealous.

3) Dx calls her Switzerland. Camille is a neutral party. You can tell her things, and she may or may not tell them to others. Camille is everybody's friend and nobody's alli.

4) She usually doesn't clean her room. That's okay with her parents because she has success in other areas.

5) She fits in all of my prepregnancy clothes. Boo.

6) She likes babies (duh, she's one of us.)

7) She loses money all the time. If you find money in her room, you can feel free to take it because she will just think she lost it.

8) Her favorite "restaurant" is Taco Bell. She usually overdoes it there.

9) She was the biggest star of the Danville Children's Musical Theater, but she is retired.

10) Camille is a voracious reader.

11) Camille has as many friends as Celia has. She's a social butterfly and everybody likes her.

12) She only kind of knows how to ski, and that's okay with her.

13) One year mom or dad tricked her into thinking she is sporty by making her play volleyball.

14) As far as we know, she's pretty righteous. She goes to seminary without issue.

15) Cam is not embarrassed to bring her friends over to the house. They come over a lot and mom feeds them cookies.

16) Cam does not like to practice the piano. This is her only behavioral flaw.

17) When Camille was little, she wanted a nickname. Since Giselle is Ellie and Lenore is Nori, Camille would naturally be Mille. I still call her that.

I hope you had a lovely birthday! I know you got everything you wanted, because I saw what you got and I really wanted all of it. Badly.

Lookin good on Christmas morning.

Smashed To Smithereens

The other day I went outside to jump in my car. There it was, in our assigned parking place, smashed to smithereens.

I've had that car for ONE month.

Apparently, some newly licensed driver accidentally gunned her piece of crap minivan instead of putting her foot on the brake. The front end of our car was a mess, the back end was up on the curb.

This minivan is the culprit. The cars were maybe twenty feet apart. She must have been going 35 mph.

When I went out there, I laughed. Why? Because this stuff just happens to us.

It began with our other BRAND NEW car. Drove it to the car wash for the first time, the guys at the car wash CRASHED it.

When we were selling that car, the first guy test driving it slammed on the brakes and got REAR ENDED. And then he wouldn't buy it.

Finally, two weeks ago, Dx was in the turn lane when the car in front of him BACKED UP INTO HIM.

Then this happens.

Yes, I know. I should count my blessings that no one was hurt and that we have never been at fault. But fault and harm is only a fraction of the problem. We still have to deal with the insurance and getting the damn things fixed. Now, since we sold one car and the new one is in the shop, we're out a vehicle.

Celiafae says it's bad Carma, that the cars and the universe know that we don't keep our cars very long and they therefore feel betrayed. That's BS. No one loves their cars nor takes better care of them than we do.

How do we end our unlucky car streak? Four accidents in 6 months, none of which were our fault? Make it stop!

The Best Jesus Ever!

In our family, we plan the births of our children in order to score the best role for their stage debut. The youngest child always plays Baby Jesus.

Hmm, which character from the nativity should I be? There's Alice and Celia. Both NOT Jesus. You had your day last year, Alice.
Here, the little angel is wrapped in only swaddling clothes. Yes, I both woke her up and then stripped her naked.
And the whole nativity scene. All children ages 9+ were adequately bribed.

Once again, a REAL star is born. Is that not the happiest baby Jesus you've ever seen?

Have You Met Doctor Fun?

Have you met this Man? This is Jim, King Jimehameha, Our Old Man. Here is Jim at his 60th Birthday Party.

Jim is the master of all things fun. When asked why he has so many kids (8), his response is, "To have playmates."

As soon as you could walk, you were in ski lessons.

As soon as you could fly (as young as 3 weeks) you were off to Hawaii.

(Below, Dx and Mimi at the Honolulu airport. Mimi 3 weeks)

As soon as you could drive, you were meeting him for sushi.

If you are going somewhere, Jim wants to come. It doesn't matter if it's to the dump or to the Olympics in China, Jim is game.

Jim is the reason we all go so many fun places and do so many fun things. From the time we were all tiny, weekends were spent with dad skiing in Tahoe, riding bikes on Angel Island, eating at Ghirardelli Square, going to baseball games, taking trips anywhere you could imagine. I think that because of Jim, every one of us wakes up on Saturday morning and thinks, what fun and unusual thing am I going to do today? Every summer and holiday season was punctuated by vacations, large or small. Now, as adults, this is ingrained in our psyches. We cannot imagine a weekend without an activity, nor a summer without a change of scenery.

For Father's Day this year, Ellie orchestrated a program called "Saturday, Daddurday." Every kid was responsible for overseeing Jim's fun on their designated Saturday. This could mean a bike ride, going to see a play in SF, dining al fresco, or whatever else. The requirements were that Jim had to be entertained ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT, which meant two or three activities at least.

One of Jim's features is that when he's on the activity with you, he must make phone calls to other people telling them about how much fun he is having and probably planning his next fun activity.

I highly recommend adopting the lifestyle of fun. Get a fun idea, plan ahead, and force the fun on everybody. Remember, you never remember how much you spent, you only remember how much fun you had.

I admit it. I've inherited the Jim Gene.

Here is Jim at my wedding, doing some kind of turkey dance. Ever seen Steve Martin in 'Father of the Bride?' Similar tux story on display here. But he got in it!

Sites Maybe You Should Know About

Admit it. Sometimes you get a little bored with the old blogs. Take some time and peruse these amusing sites. Perhaps you will find the perfect unconventional gift. http://www.day-lab.com/: unusual cheap accessories, odd gifts (like the Holy Toaster), and cute jewelry.

http://www.minimus.biz/: Personal sized mini packages of food, salad dressing, personal care items. You know the tantalizing basket section of Target full of all those mini products? This is where you can buy tons more. Surely you need some hotel sized deodorant?

http://www.yesstyle.com/

Why do Asian girls always dress so cute? Because they have better cheap clothing over there. Yesstyle.com has all their low-priced labels for sale in American money.

http://www.truefaux.com/ High quality antique jewelry. Why buy antique? a) better design b) more bling for your money (the above necklace is only 150) c) you're wearing history

http://www.jbox.com/

Weird Japanese tchotchke that you never even imagined existed.

Favorite product so far: R2-D2 Pepper Mill and the hat that says "Looking for a Japanese Girlfriend."

http://www.curiosityshoppeonline.com/

Favorite product: Eggling. An herb garden in an egg. Just crack, water and viola! Mint or basil.

I also want their octopus necklace.

Tell me if you find something you bought, 'cause I'm curious. I bought that necklace from truefaux.com, I couldn't help myself.

Christmas, Years 1, 2, 3

Sometimes when you're married and stuff you can't remember what you did the year before this one. Where were we for Christmas for our first three years of mawidge?

Year 1, 2005: Florence, Christmas Eve. Rome on Christmas. Everything was closed and we were hungry, but we invented a great game that I recommend: Christmas Songs Charades. Dx is especially good at O' Tannenbaum, for which he does a goosestep.

For presents, I got two perfume lotions, a shopping spree in Venice (where stuff is cheaper) including a purse and sweaters.

Year 2, 2006: We're at the Nordstrom Cafe in this picture, but we left for Utah a day or two later. My whole fam was in Hawaii, but I couldn't go because I was too pregnant. Dx and I went to Utah to be with my Uncle Jay.

I got a VS cuddly robe and a Japanese Weekend Dress.

Year 3, 2007: This is our Thanksgiving shot. This year we're with my fam in the Bay Area.

I am getting a Shave Ice Machine. Or Else.

Merry Christmas to All and to All, all the presents that you really really want.