Wipes

I missed Tuesday blogging, did you think VonCrazy had taken me?

As per my attorney father and husband's respective advice, I reported the student to the Dean. The Dean spoke with him before he was allowed to come back to class. I don't think VonCrazy will be giving me any more gifts.

I would like to bear my testimony of Wipey Dipes, or Diaper Wipes, as most people call them. I pretend they sanitize, but I have no idea. Today I bought 720 wipes for $12 from Target (yes, we're back together).

Here are my planned uses:

1) Baby Bottoms

2) Bathroom Sink

3) Bathroom Mirror with tooth brushing residue

4) Toothbrush Handles

5) Dusting

6) High chair

7) Getting stains out of shirt. Ellie told me this, it works.

8) Removing Makeup

9) Car Dashboard

10) Leather Couch

11) Doorknobs

12) Computer

13) Top of Dryer

14) Toothpaste top

15) Remote Control

16) Cleaning Iphone

17) Ho Bath.

18) Baby Toys

19) Emergency Toilet Paper

20) Jewelry Polish

Got any other ideas?

Mommy MySpace

Blogger, MySpace, Friendster, Facebook. Which to choose? The answer depends on your age bracket and goals for your online communication.

All of these sites are aimed at social networking or online community. Here's the breakdown of the respective sites:

MySpace: intended for the artistic types to "network." Usually networking to this group (generally 18-30 Singles) means posting a bunch of pictures of yourself, your music, your art, your movies. Kinda feels a little braggy, but the artists on-line actually do use this site to hook up professional services. See Niya's tasteful page.

Friendster: Attempts to keep groups in contact. You can join groups from your graduating high school class, your work, your neighborhood. Kinda boring, you can get found by people you may not want to find you.

Facebook: Younger target audience, generation Y (also known as the Me Generation). If you see young people posing for pictures by themselves (something NO Gen Xer would do unless for a specific purpose, as it would be weird and vain) they are posing for Facebook pictures. If you are over 25, you are embarrassing yourself. Profiles often have 100's of pictures of the person looking cute and obnoxious. See Phil's.

Blogger: Also known as Mommy MySpace. No official grouping mechanism, you arrange your own groups by linking people you like. Somewhat of a personality contest with the commenting feature and how many people link you. Appropriate to use self-effacing humor, the OCCASIONAL serious post, and lots of pictures of children. Go easy on the profiles. Sadly, most posts are somewhat watered down, as writers are aware of the public nature of posts. The best blogs are those where the writer has no censors (i.e. Rynna's).

Choose your online community at your own risk. You may be contacted by people you'd rather forget and you have no idea who reads your blog/profile/space. And Devin, no. I don't want to be your friend on Facebook. You are too old for facebook.

Bad Influence Aunt

Mimi, Age 1 month, Hawaii. First bikini. Both chubby.

I began wearing bikinis in high school when I realized that A. they were much cuter. B. they do not give you wedgies. C. it's easier to find your size in bikinis. I reason, if this is my only rebellion then I'm doing pretty well. I think babies look adorable in two pieces and do not find them to be sexualizing children any more so than do mini skirts or high heels. My baby only wears bikinis. I used to look alright in bikinis. Then I got pregnant. Now I don't look so good, but I inflict my bikini body on others nonetheless. Here's me now:

Just kidding, that's pregnant Britney. Gotcha! You think I'd post a bikini shot of myself? No way! Well, probably no way. I'm working on developing some shame.

Most LDS parents do not allow bikinis because they are immodest. When I wear a bikini around Paige's girls, they are very interested and jealous. Paige explained to the girls that bikinis are immodest (funny, considering the girl's tendency to tear off their clothes in public) and I told them that if you dress immodestly, you have to talk to the bishop.

This did not damper their curiosity about bikinis. Fifi even went so far as to borrow an old beat-up bikini from her friend, but Charlotte found them far too immodest.

When they visited my house a few weeks ago, the girls had to fashion swim wear out of mine and Mimi's bikinis.

I finally bought the girls their very own bikinis. Fifi and CeCe were ecstatic.

They are allowed to wear them at home.

Here is Mimi in her pink hat. She's 7 months.

Mimi and Isabella, her new best friend. Cool stroller, eh? Izzy is 6 months and I tell everybody they're twins.

Learning to crawl.
Miranda at her first Shakespeare performance. We saw A Midsummer Night's Dream in SF in the Presidio. It was cold. We are Shakespeare snobs. We left. But it counts!
Mimi at my favorite restaurant: the San Francisco Creamery in Walnut Creek. She has develop a love for cones and it buys me just enough time to wolf down the biggest dish of ice cream you ever did see. We bring her new high chair, as it is portable. That thing is worth it's weight in gold.

So Crafty!

Bugged wife, pair of scissors, viola! Jerk Shorts!P.S. He totally deserved it.

Target Follow Up

Today Dx and I were attempting to whip through Target to pick up a few items. We ended up wandering around like children lost at an amusement park.
Searching for the electronics department, Dx and I began cursing Target. We were really bitching and moaning.
"It's like somebody came into your house and rearranged all your drawers so you can't find anything." Dx complained.
"I know. I can't find anything. We totally need a map. This place is a disaster."
Right as these words were falling out of my mouth, we noticed two older white guys decked in red and khaki. Clearly Target Bigwigs. Our whining stopped them in their tracks.
One of the guys asks, "Can we help you find something?"
"Yes, where are the electronics? We need a map!"
The guy genteelly says, "Well, there'd be a map, but the layout changes EVERY DAY and it would immediately become obsolete."
So I go ahead and ask, "What are you doing, anyway? And why didn't you email me?"
"We're putting in thirty refrigerated cases so that you can do your grocery shopping at Target."
"Oh. Well, when are you going to be done?"
"In a few weeks. Sorry about the inconvenience. The electronics are now way at the back of the store."
"You mean like at Walmart? Put in the back so they're harder to steal? Okay, well, thanks."

I finally got to officially complain to The Man. I feel as though I've voiced the opinions and complaints of the people. I am an American, and you will not rearrange my Target.

Friend Ratings

LDS friends can be hard to gauge. Even if you're the same religion, you might have had different experiences and relate to people in a less than perfect (read Celestial) way. My husband and I have developed a sliding scale for figuring out how to speak to our friends. Here's how the ratings work:

G - No cursing, pretend you've never sinned ever.

PG- Minor curse words (crap, damn). Joke about minor sins, but never in detail.

PG-13 - Swear for emphasis, but only the ones allowed on after 9 pm TV. Invite friend to Starbucks, but get hot chocolate.

R - Curse like sailor. All topics legal and welcome. The more inappropriate the jokes, the better. Admit to watching R rated movies, dish on your glory days of sin.

I have good friends of all ratings. It's very difficult to determine the friendship's rating, and even more difficult when friend ratings change as people grow up. I aspire to be G rated all the time, but alas, I have very little self control as evidenced by this totally inappropriate quiz. I have removed the link so you cannot figure out how the ratings work, but just so you know:

You Are 32% Pure

You've either done it, thought about it, or at least heard about it. Luckily, there's a few things left for you to try!

This post inspired by Celiafae.

Feeding Time at the Zoo

Mimi tries to steal Waffle's food. Waffle tries to sneak Mimi's Cheerios. Here, problem solved. Woof. Mimi (dressed as a chicken) and Auntie Paige. Dx believes in costumes all year round, and I agree. Kids dressed as animals are cute. Why save them for Halloween?

This is her cow outfit. Not even a costume, just a 'fit.Who let the cow out of the pen?We went with the Fischer Price high chair / booster seat. It's portable and has already proven its worth at a restaurant. We're happy with our purchase, thanks for the advice.

How dare they?

They didn't call, they didn't email, they didn't even put a sign on the door. They changed my Target without even letting me know.

The Target in Walnut Creek has been completely rearranged. Be thankful that I am warning you, because I was alarmed when I walked through the doors. The store that I used to be able to waltz through in under an hour with my eyes closed is now a disorderly confusing mess because nearly everything has been moved.

Why? Why did they change Target? Have they no sense of propriety and consumer relations? We all know Target has been going downhill with their return policy (what? I have to spend the same amount of my returned impulse buy in under 15 minutes or its void?) but to move the aisles on me? That's unconscionable.

It's severe, people. I'm not just saying they moved the merchandise. There are aisles were there were none, some even turned sideways. My weekly (alright, tri-weekly) visit to the bulls eye mecca lasted three times as long and I left with less stuff that I didn't need, so how is this a better business plan? Is it a permanent rearrangement? I do not have room in my brain to commit the new layout to memory, what with all the mall directories stashed away in there.

Furthermore, there is no rhyme nor reason to the new layout. The dangerous cleaning supplies are right next to the baby stuff. The pet supply is moved to prime real estate near the front of the store. I couldn't even find the shoe department!

The new Target offends me and I will be boycotting the Walnut Creek store until they have a better plan.

Baby Bliss

This is my family's idea of heaven. Babies hold the highest currency and these four cousins (with Aunties Val and Paige) are in order of age. Ideally, a baby would be born every year in our family, but currently no one is pregnant and our little tinies just keep getting bigger.

Don't you wish you could vote someone into having a baby? I'm not ready yet, but maybe I could nominate someone to have the next baby.

I have the baby fever.

Hit Me Baby, One More Time

I just can't resist posting about Britney. I have such conflicted feelings. On one hand, I was a fan. I saw her in her heyday in Las Vegas, it was a great show and she can be a really great performer (despite her singing which aint so great.) She is a mother, so I feel as though she should be cut some slack as far as her weight and body.

However, I cannot accept Ms. Spears' hair. I am a hair connoisseur. She has endless resources of hair people and wigs. She could pull a Kylie Minogue and just have short hair. Why can't Britney be slightly flabby and have short hair? She does herself a great disservice by subscribing to the beauty myth -- it just looks like she's trying too hard and failing to pull it off. Can't she just be satisfied with how she looks? Why must she be so obvious about her inner trainwreck?

There's just no excuse for hideously showing extension locks. All other things I can find a way in my heart to forgive, but that hair? It's inexcusable.

Get it together, in just ONE area, if you can possibly manage it.

Even Elvis died with a completed (if equally crazy) look.

I will love you again, Britney, if you just fix your hair.

I can love crazy.

We've become those parents. The ones who are just completely in love with their baby.

Highchairs

We need to buy a highchair. I generally hate everything in baby colors and prefer dark wood, but I will cave and buy something ugly if it has proven to be the best highchair ever. I plan to keep this thing for all the 10 children I intend to have, so it can either be cheap and disposable OR nice and durable.

What are your eating solutions for your baby? Did you buy plastic or wooden? Which one should I get? Should I try the buckled to a real chair kind?

The Preposition Song

Teaching college level does not mean you must avoid inane mnemonic strategies. Recently, my students have had trouble ending sentences with prepositions. Boost mobile is keeping the people down with their "Where you at" ad campaign. At the end of class today I listed the most common prepositions and taught them to my students in the form of a song.

The song is as follows, sung to the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy"

About above across after along among around at
Before beside between against within without beneath through

During under in into over of off to toward

Up on near for from except
By with behind below down.

I hope they were recording my performance and that I will one day find myself singing like a moron on YouTube.

Apparently my posts are required to have a picture of Mimi. I happily oblige. Get with it, Celia.

Caught digging in the plant. Naughty!

Sleeping with buns in the air.

Who is Alex?

Alex is my friend. We met the day I moved to LA because we were originally planning to be roommates (which didn't happen at that time). We then became friends when I spotted her in one of my college classes. She was sitting in front drinking from a Starbucks cup. I was sitting in back with the hot boys and I bet one of them $2 that she was NOT drinking coffee. He asked her and I was right, it was hot chocolate. We became friends.

Alex and I dated from the same man pool, sometimes we dated friends. We went to UCLA together where I would pretend to have an urgent message for her and spring her from her classes. I helped her write papers, she introduced me to the best places to party in L.A. Alex has a lot better fashion sense than I do. She always dresses great and spends more money on clothing than anyone I have ever met. Thankfully, we wear the same size! What is better, I ask you, than a fabulously dressed friend who wears your same size? When Al and I would get dressed to go to a club or whatever, we'd often have to change outfits three or four times because first her outfit would be cuter, then mine, then her next outfit and so on. We did not compete for men (although we did kiss the same ones every so often) but we did put on the Alex and Nor show.

I lived in L.A. for 5 years, during which time I saw Alex almost every day, for awhile we were even happy roommates. We don't like shopping together because Alex takes too long and spends too much money and I am cheap and efficient. Al also takes way too long to get ready so you have to tell her the function starts one hour before it does. One time we dyed our hair the exact same shade of pink. We used the same hairdresser. We went to the same functions at church. We travelled to Spain together. Alex is the most fun friend I've ever had.

Alex was there when I met my husband. I was there when she met hers. We were both surprised at who they turned out to be.

Alex is an artist. She is a liberal and tends to vote for the green party. She studied sociology and works in Social Services with troubled teens when she isn't busy being pregnant and nursing.

One time Alex took a 1 year break from being my friend while I was in Europe. That made me sad. When Al found out she was pregnant, we became friends again and I am glad. She had her baby Harrison about 8 weeks ago. He is a little chub who eats all the time. They nicknamed Harrison "Fuzzy" and you can read about him on her blog: http://lifewithfuzzy.blogspot.com/. She is a new blogger and is afraid of the internet, so she needs lots of encouragement.

I wish Alex would move to the Bay Area. I wish she would be my sister wife. It's fun to go and visit (she lives in Las Vegas) but it would be better if we lived in the same area.

This posting is a plea to Alex's husband Patrick. Please move Alex back to California to live by me. She will be happy.

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better!

Annie Get Your Gun is oft quoted in my family. The song we like best is, "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better." In it, Frank Butler and Annie try to one up each other.

The best lyrics are:

Frank: I can jump a hurdle.

Annie: I can wear a girdle.

Frank: I can knit a sweater.

Annie: I can fill it better!

Frank: I can do most anything!

Annie: Can you bake a pie?

Frank: No.

Annie: Neither can I."

This is the first song I ever performed on stage. My mother orchestrated a Ward Roadshow, starting the Greenans (talented and not). Each one of us sang a verse, paired off with the kid younger. Celia and Paige, then Paige and Nate, then Nate and Ellie and finally Ellie and me. Being youngest at the time, I had stage fright and burst into tears.

We are a competitive family, but I wonder if the competition started right then, on stage in San Rafael. I was two.

I may not have had a great debut on stage, but I CAN bake a pie.

I can bake a delicious peach pie and I can make Nor's Peaches Jam with Pam.

Here is my peach pie and my peach jam and my pink shirt that makes me look fatter than I really am (boo).

Anything you can do, I can do better.

Rehab? I say Yes, Yes, Yes!

I wanna go to Rehab.

It looks like a spa hotel, you sit around and talk about yourself, I'm pretty sure you get massages. It's expensive, $25,000 for a month but I think you get spousal visits.

Here are my questions about rehab:

Do they clean your room?

What's the schedule like? Can I sleep in?

Do you have to wear makeup?

Can I still shop online?

Do I get to meet celebrities?

Which drugs count as addictive? Does Coca-cola count?

Can I come and go at whim, like Britney?

Is there plenty of chocolate?

Can I wear my wig?

Mostly I want to go to rehab so I can have 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I need sleep rehab.

Feet

If you think nobody will notice that your toenails are not painted during the summer, you're wrong. I notice and I care.

I don't have a foot fetish, I just like shoes. And open toed shoes look bad when your toenails are not painted. It's like leaving your house without brushing your hair. You just don't do it, unless you are on the way to the salon.

That being said, why, I ask you, are pedicures so damn expensive? Why do I have to pay $25 plus non-optional tip to get my stupid feet taken care of? Is it because I get to sit in their crappy pretend massage chairs that never work right? Is it $25 worth of superiority looking down at the poor middle age Asian woman crouching over my dirty feet? Is it to pay for the millions of magazines in the salon? How about for sterilization supplies? I've never even seen sterilization supplies!

Furthermore, I hate getting pedicures. It takes too long, it generally hurts a lot, their stupid leg massages are worthless. Why is this procedure, not unlike going to the gynocologist, considered a treat? It's just maintanence. Like getting gas, but with a chance of drawing blood.

Sure, I could paint my own toenails. But the nail ladies get all the dead skin and garbage off and when I paint my own toenails it just chips off in a day or two and looks even worse.

Yesterday Ellie, Cam and a friend went to the mall to get pedicures (thanks, Mom!) The highlight was buying shoes afterward and taking a break from my . And yes, I did smudge my toenail polish.

Cam in dark, Ellie with the long toe, and my toes that all look like baby carrots.